Hayter’s
article for April 26, 2020
“Observations
made when you have nothing else to do”
If you can make it through this
shelter-in-place phenomena without becoming more observant of some of the stuff
that’s going on around here, well, then you’re doing it all wrong. Let me tell
you, I’ve become so observant of interesting stuff, that I could write a book.
Here’s my first chapter
✪Every engineering major in the country should take a course called
Squirrels 101. Squirrels are among the most creative creatures on the planet.
If you were to put three sunflower seeds into a sealed jar with the lid
super-glued, set it out in squirrel territory, and then took notes, you would
discover that the seeds will be gone on the morning of Day 2. The critters
might even screw the lid back on for you.
I
did a lot of research before purchasing a “Squirrel Proof” bird feeder. I got
one I knew would drive squirrels nuts. (Beg pardon? No, that wasn’t intended.)
You see, when a squirrel or large bird tries to grab seeds out of my new
seed-giving apparatus, the door shuts. Only light birds can feed. Now if a
creature could hover over the feeder, it might be able to snatch a seed or two.
But there are only three such creatures and they each is a resident of
Madagascar.
I
suspended the bird feeder on a thin line affixed between two tall poles. Before
this pandemic hit, I had noticed the seeds were being dispensed, so I assumed
the birds had been taking advantage of my kind forethought. I’ve got great
forethought. Well, now that I’ve had time to observe stuff around this place, I
discovered that the name of the seed distributor had been misnamed. I now refer
to as “The Squirrel Feeder.”
I’d
tell you how they mastered the contraption, but I don’t want to give anything
away until my “Squirrels 101” textbook goes out of print. I will tell you this,
though. If squirrels were just a bit more decisive about when best to cross a
road, they would take over the world. Of course, they might have to wait in
line while the monkeys take over. Monkeys are diabolical. They’ll steal your turkey
right out of the oven and grin at you while you’re yelling at ‘em from the
hallway.
✪ You should take some of your downtime to change the oil in your
lawnmower. I’ve had my mower for three mowing seasons and had yet to change the
oil. A mowing season around here is from March through January. The handbook
that came with my “Husqvarna” mower instructed me to change the oil after the
first five hours of usage. After that, I’m supposed to change it at the end of
each season. I considered that a closed-door meeting between Penzoil and
Huszvarna was responsible for the five-hour recommendation. (Side note: After
careful research, I discovered that “Husqvarna” is one of 18 lawnmower
companies headquartered in Bucharest.) (Side note 2: Some columnists will make
up stupid stuff when they don’t care to do any actual research.)
Where
was I? Oh, first oil change after five hours mowing. -- Well, not being a
complete idiot, I waited three years for the shelter-in-place edict to show up
before changing my lawnmower oil for the first time. The oil was
pathetic-looking. It resembled a slightly melted licorice whip. The mower
giggled when I restarted it. I was so pleased about the oil change, I thought I
might as well take time to check the lawnmower blade. Upon doing so, I
immediately decided to get a new blade, instead of sharpening the old one. (A
smart person told me that a newly-sharpened lawnmower blade dulls really fast.
I paid the smart guy to tell me that.)
When
the next pandemic hits, I may take time to change out the air filter on my
Husqvarna.-- (By the way, Kay just informed us that our mower was made in Sweden
and that the engine was manufactured by Honda. Do you see what I keep this girl
around?)
✪Do you have any idea how many “Conversation Starting” games there
are? Several. There is a site called “Conversation Starters World”. Among the
games is one called “21 Questions.” You write down each question and put it in
a bowl. Or a jar with an unsealed lid. --Unless you’ve got squirrels in your
house. .-- Anyway, a guest draws a question and answers it. Then they either
pass the bowl to the next person who draws another question or they take turns
answering the first question.
I
think this is a great game for you. Me? Not so sure. Let me read you some of
the questions. -- 1) What should
they teach in school but don’t? -- -- 2)
What do most people think about you that is absolutely not true? -- 3) What are two things you know you
should know how to do but don’t. -- 4) In
what ways do you change when no one is around? (That one is scary.) -- 5) What movie or book do you think was
the most overrated? (The problem with the book idea is that I don’t read highly-rated books. I prefer waiting for the movie to come out. Unless it’s a thin
book like “Bridges of Madison County.” Raise your hand if you think Clint
Eastwood should’ve let someone else play his part.)
By
the way, I’ve included one more question, but it’s not for you. It just for me.
-- “How do you know when to quit your article?” -- Well, I usually-- Oops. I see
that my word count is way above the acceptable mark! -- Next time.
end
hayter.mark@gmail.com
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