Thanksgiving 2019

“How to give a boost to your Thanksgiving”

            Are you dreading this year’s Thanksgiving gathering? Have you noticed that the event has morphed into something less than pleasant? Well, that’s perfectly natural. Perhaps you’ve witnessed the passing of Mom and Dad. There have been several marriages. With each, in-laws are introduced to the family. Soon, there are nieces, nephews, and cousins added to the mixture. Before long, things just get awkward.

Eventually, the entire family dynamic is paved over with goose slobber. The feeling is “Let’s eat, grab some leftovers, and then get the Sam Hill outta here!”

            Well, I’m feeling you. But, things can improve beyond the point where they are right now. So, if you’ll hang in there a few minutes, I’ll introduce you to a project that may make things so much better. It never will be as good as it was back in The Day. But, it will be less than a drudge, but only if you follow this one suggestion. After the meal, get everyone together and have them take turns answering one of the questions that I’ve prepared.

            You can do this in the backyard or indoors. Depends on the size of the crowd. Let me give you an example of how the Hayter family is going to do it. I’m the one speaking. “Okay, I’m going clockwise starting with Jill. -- “Jill, since Larry apparently had a better place to go this Thanksgiving, I need you to tell us something about Larry that really irritates you.” -- A few people will want to throw in their two cents worth, so you may have to set a time limit on the teardown.

            Now, if everyone is present, you will need to randomly pick someone in the circle. However, I suggest that, instead of tearing them down, you have someone tell something about the uncle, nephew, sister… that you really admire. Optional, of course.

            After this, you might present this scenario. “Suppose we were drawing names for Christmas, Dennis, who in here would you most want to draw your name?” -- By the way, the Hayters used to draw names for Christmas, but it ended up causing a rift in the family. No family can stand more than three rifts, so we turned into no-gifters.  

           

            I imagine you’ve got the idea of how this works, so I’m going to just list some questions without throwing in my two-cents worth. And, yes, that’s near impossible for me. Here we go.

            “Who do you think Mom liked the best? Give examples.”

 “Tell us about the time you were the most frightened.”

“At what age in your life were you the happiest? Why?”

“What was the family’s worst vacation? Where were we? What happened?”

           

“What was the best thing that Mom cooked? -- The worst thing? -- What did she cook most often?”

“What do you think it is that makes some people enjoy reality shows? Is it IQ? An inherent need to get upset about someone? The sense of being superior to the participants in a reality show? All the above? None of the above? Or, would you rather come up with your own answers?” 

“What’s your favorite sport to play? What’s your favorite sport to watch? Tell us something about a particularly proud moment while playing a sport?”

“Name all the teachers you had from the first to the sixth grade. -- Who was your favorite teacher ever? Why?”

“Suppose a horrible disease killed every turkey on the planet between now and next Thanksgiving. What do you think would be our main course next Thanksgiving?”

“How many spankings did Dad give you? How many of them did you deserve? And, within the nearest 100, how many spankings would you say that Mom gave you?”

“If you could live anywhere on the planet, where would you choose? Is there anyone here right now, that you’d like to see move in next door to you?”

“What was the brand name of tobacco that Dad chewed? Where would he spit his tobacco juice? If you were sitting in the backseat on the driver side of the car, why would you always keep your window rolled up, even if it was 100 degrees outside?”

“What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you at school or in church?”

“What is the weirdest thing you ever did of which you’ve yet to figure out why you did it?”

“When we were kids, which two places did Mom inspect on your person to determine if we needed to take a bath?” -- The most immature person in the family will likely give a crude answer to this one. There is nothing you can do about that. Even if Mom were still here, the person would be too old to spank.

“Tell us about a recent dream you had? And, speaking of dreams, in what percent of your dreams are you fully clothed? Do you remember any reoccurring dreams?”

Finally, “Of all the Thanksgivings we’ve ever had, what occasion was the most memorable for you? Oh, in a positive way.” One or two of the n’er-do-wells will say, “Certainly not this one!” -- Hey, there’s at least one or two in every family.

Have a happy Thanksgiving. Or don’t. Hey, I feel you.  

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To purchase or gift Mark’s new Christmas book, go to Amazon.com and key in “Mark Hayter Christmas Storybook Story” --  hayter.mark@gmail.com