Witcher

Hayter article for January 12, 2020

“A look behind the scenes”

          How many of you have seen the new series,“The Witcher”, on Netflix? Okay, go ahead and put your hands down. Hopefully, no one was in the room to see you do that.

            The series was taken from a collection of eight books written by the Polish writer, Andrzej Sapkowski. This guy certainly deserves credit for his fascinating stories, many of which, are included in the Netflix series. His collection of stories are parts of eight books, so I imagine the scriptwriters left some stuff out.

            I watched the entire series twice. I had to so I could figure out what the Sam Hill was going on. There were flashbacks and flashforwards all over the place. I was lost from the get-go. However, the action kept me interested. Speaking of which, I choose not to recommend the movie to you. It’s only for “Mature Audiences”, which practically disqualifies me. (I said that for the benefit of my young reader… whoever he or she  may be.)

            Speaking of Kay, she enjoyed the series as much as I did. Her interest had nothing to do with Henry Cavill, the male lead. Cavill is the current Superman.  I never cared all that much for him as Superman, but he’s very convincing as the Witcher. And, no, I don’t know what a Witcher is, other than he’s paid to kill monsters.

            Kay and I watched an interview with Cavill on the “Graham Norton Show”. Norton urged his guest to talk about how he prepared for his role as the hulking Witcher, Geralt of Rivia. To bulk him up, the director put Cavill on a diet of fattening food. He consumed 5000 calories a day. The drawback was that he had to exercise his buns off… which incidentally he did manage to do. He even muscled up his buns. Kay said she didn’t notice his buns. I told her that her pants were aflame.

            Cavill also let slip a technique used to make his muscles stand out when they shot a scene with his shirt off. He had to prepare for three days before each shirtless scene. The process involved dehydration. If you watch the series, you need to realize that whenever you see the Witcher without his shirt, you’ll know that he is absolutely miserable.

            But, forget about “The Witcher.” Let’s talk about me. There was only one role that required me to do something about my weight. In a movie shot in Arkansas, I was to play an old, slow-witted uncle. In other words, it required no acting on my part. The director, David Hunt, saw how crazy I was in a previous movie, so offered me the role.

            The movie centered around a cave with a very narrow tunnel that opened into a large, mysterious cavern. While my character would never actually be seen squeezing through the narrow tunnel, the viewer had to accept the notion that it was feasible that a person my size could actually fit.

            It took me about 45 days to lose over 30 pounds. The trick was for me to eat a whole lot less than I was. I didn’t even know it was possible. I never did it for my health. However, with the incentive of a movie role, I found it doable. Of course, there’s no way I would accept a role that required me to gain 30 pounds, because, after the movie, I’d wouldn’t be able to lose it until another skinny role came along.   

            Amazingly, the two leads of the movie, Chris Cleveland and Matthew Allen, were filmed squeezing themselves through the narrow portal. You can’t get more convincing than that. While I considered myself convincing as a dim-witted old guy, I doubt any viewer actually believed that I could’ve made it through that narrow passage. Fortunately, I had a small role that involved several quick shots.  

            Right now, I have no prospects for a role in another movie. Yet, I’ve decided to go on one of those diets where you are required to fast. There are several kinds. I picked the one where you fast every other day, only it’s not a real fast because you’re allowed 500 calories. On the days when you eat, you’re allowed an eight-hour window in which to eat. You can pick the time of day to begin your eight-hour window.  I prefer the 10:00 in the morning to six in the evening slot. 

            While it’s not easy, it’s so much easier than a diet where you must accept the fact that you can never eat good stuff again. During a 500 calorie day, you at least know that you will be eating pie and fried chicken tomorrow.

            The weight isn’t exactly falling off of me, like it did when Kay and I were on the powdered soup and sprigs of broccoli diet. Practically every day of the four-month battle involved me looking forward to achieving my goal. Because, when I did I could eat real food again. And let me tell you; weight comes back on so much faster than it goes off.

            The only way I’d try that powdery diet again is if I got the lead role in a TV series about an elderly jockey. After the second episode, I would be hoping that the series would be canceled. And, yes, I have every confidence that would be the case. 

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