Hayter’s
article for April 12, 2020
“Dilemmas?
I’ve got a few”
Over the past month and a half,
I’ve had a lot of time to notice things. I’ve noticed that during bad times, I
hang my head more than usual. In doing so, I’ve become sadly aware of the
floors in this house. Look at those baseboards. Force yourself! This is the
first I’ve noticed the emulsified-dust covering. It laughs at a duster or
vacuum. That gunk holds on like a label on fruit. Unless Kay starts looking
down more, I’m going to be the one cleans those buddies.
Last week, Kay hired an outfit to
clean our windows. We’ve never hired anyone to clean our windows. We used ME.
Every eight years I’d end up having to clean the windows. We’ve lived here a
little over two years, yet we paid to have our windows cleaned. No one will
notice our clean windows, because we’re sheltered in place. Remember? But, take my word. Our windows are sparkling.
Fish Window Cleaning. Ask for Elijah. After Elijah left, I thought he left one
of the windows open. I came close to sending my hand through double-paned
glass. I have had some stupid moments of
late. That was just a taste.
I wish you’d take a look at the clock
on the wall to my left. No, Ed. That’s my ballcap. Look higher. Yes, it’s the
round thing, doofus! -- I’m sorry about that. I’ve been getting a little testy,
too. But, back to the cheap clock. That thing has been up there since shortly after
we moved in. I look at it multiple times each day. Yet, this is the first time
I ever noticed how loud it is. That thing is powered by one AAA battery, yet it
could win a distraction contest against my neighbor’s weed eater.
You’re, no doubt, dying to know how
much TV I’ve been watching. A lot. I watch TV mostly to keep my head raised. I
only watch at night. I’ve seen every recent, lousy movie available on Netflix
and Amazon Prime. Mostly science fiction and revenge movies. No Zombies or
Vampires, or monsters that attack if you talk or drop a stapler.
I not only watch a lot of movies,
but I’ve been reading more. Mostly the newspaper. I hate to do this to you, but
I need to tell you about toilet paper. Yep, I’m sick of hearing about it, too,
but the subject dips deep into the heart of America. It should come as no
surprise to you that people have purchased twice as much toilet paper as they
did this time last year. There are a couple of reasons for that. For one thing,
the kids aren’t at school using up the principal’s toilet paper. And the heads
of households aren’t at the workplace using up the company’s toilet paper. So
while businesses require much less soft and snuggly tissue, households need
more.
And, the shelves are generally bare,
not because we’re running out of toilet paper. It’s because we’re running out
of good toilet paper. In schools and factories, they only use the stuff that
comes out of Green Bay. The stuff was originally used as a liner for oven
vents. Bosses and School Superintendents wanted the non-absorbent toilet paper
to keep workers and students from stealing it.
Yet, there is still enough of the
good stuff to keep shelves stocked. The problem is they had to create a spider
web of rerouting routes and add delivery times for trucks and the people who
drive them. And, of course, more people were needed to keep the shelves
stocked.
Another factor leading to the TP
shortage is the hoarding-factor. (You may not have picked up on that.) At the
beginning of the scare, some people were hiding away toilet paper like it was a
box of Hershey bars in a liferaft. My extensive reading regime has allowed me
to discover that the three most hoarded items during times of disaster are
bread, milk, and toilet paper. Not necessarily in that order. A fourth item
that did not make the list, but should have is spaghetti. The last three times
I went to the store, there was no spaghetti. Somebody around here has an
inordinate amount of spaghetti in their house. And, we need to find ‘em. I can
understand toilet paper, bread, and milk. But, Spaghetti? What’s this country
coming to?
The good news is that there is an
overabundance of chicken wings. Unless you’re hosting a group gathering, you’re
not going to buy wings. They’re the most expensive part of the bird. Do you
know how many chickens have to be killed to prepare a wing meal for a family of
four? Twenty-three. One of the chickens will just lose the one wing.
Restaurants and venues for sporting
events haven’t been buying nearly as many wings as they did before SIP (Shelter
In Place). Unfortunately, the other parts of the chicken are in big demand, so
it’s still necessary to kill the whole bird even if there is not much demand
for the wings. In anticipation of the arrival of more pandemics, scientists at
A&M are working on the chicken problem. Possibly.
See what I mean? I am learning so
much from this horrible experience. Another month of this and I’ll be even
smarter than I am now. And snarky. Oh, I’m getting snarky all right. But, I
don’t care what you say or how much pressure you apply, I am not going to watch
a single Zombie or Vampire movie. I just won’t. And, don’t even bring up a
horror movie with the words “Silent” or “Quiet” in the title. That’s the line I
will not cross.
But, let me tell you, there is no
line between me and a spaghetti hoarder. -- These are dark times, my friend.
end
hayter.mark@gmail.com
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