Short-handled Broom

 

Hayter for November 19, 2023

Paradox of the Short-handled Broom

This morning I looked up the word “happy” just to determine if I was. Turns out the happy definition is an assortment of synonyms; words like content, cheerful, pleased, gleeful… All in all, some really cheesy words.  

One word not associated with “happy” is “merry”. That’s because “merry” is the joy reserved for Christmas. If you ever feel “happy” during Christmas, it means you’re doing it all wrong.

At the moment I feel content, pleased, and blessed. “Gleeful” would be pressing it. For me, the problem with happiness is the guilt that I associate with it. The cause of my guilt has to do with reading newspapers, watching the news, and noticing things going on. 

Yesterday, I was reading about some of the problems in third-world nations. The descriptions I read made me wonder if there are any fourth-world countries. Feeling a need to depress myself more than I already was, I looked it up. There is. The powers that be came up with categories for grouping nations based on their financial stability and mode of living. Those two characteristics tend to bind.  

The ranking of nations into one of the four categories was decided by a group of countries that were democratic, capitalistic, and economically stable. Each of the nations was classified as First World. All communist nations were considered Second World. They were overjoyed.

The difference between the Third World and Fourth World is about a dime’s worth. At last count, there were 47 Fourth World Nations, including Cambodia, Afghanistan, Ethiopia, Yemen, and 43 others.

I did so much research on Third and Fourth World Nations that I turned somber, sour, and sad. I began thinking of Luke Redus, President of Compassion United in Conroe. What a great work that man has done and continues to do! Go online, and see what all he is accomplishing with the help and donations of others. In fact, there are dozens of helpful organizations in the County organized by people who actually DO, instead of merely staying depressed.

But, do you wanna know what’s weird about the needs of human beings? It is the “need” in certain areas of life that brings about improvements. I got that from Oscar Wilde. I ran across one of his quotes shortly after my previous research. Wilde wrote, “‘Discontent’ is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.”

In other words, all of the inventions that have come up in my lifetime were due to someone attempting to come up with stuff to make life easier. I don’t know what type of writing utensil you used when you were in the first grade, but it had to be better than what I had to use. We used a fat wooden black pencil with thick graphite and absolutely no eraser on the end. Do you know why there was no eraser? I don’t either! Perhaps back in 1906, a first grader choked to death on a pencil eraser.

Without an eraser, the only thing you can do is erase with spit. Today? I don’t know what first graders write with. It’s probably a keyboard.

The first automobiles built at the turn of the century were great. Fortunately, no one came out and announced, “Okay, Ford’s Model T is the best vehicle around, so there’s no need to improve on what we’ve got now. So, now let’s invent some airplanes. No! Some people were willing to improve on what Ford built. They came up with better vehicles, causing Henry Ford to improve on his model. Right now there are too many auto models to keep up with, each of which comes with weird gadgets.

You likely remember the story that brought attention to the Asian broom. For centuries many people in Asia and Africa were sweeping houses, porches, and yards using straw attached to short wooden sticks. The only way to sweep with a short-handled broom is to get on your knees or bend at the waist. Since women did most of the sweeping, they were the ones who ended up with a permanent stoop. The method is still used in some Third and Fourth World nations. The concept of “discontent” bringing about progress is not accepted in all societies.

First World Nations? We now have a self-propelled vacuum that steers itself. 

The advent of the typewriter was a major accomplishment for printers, book publishers, newspaper editors, teachers, students… When I was attending SFA, I had to type all of my reports and projects on a manual typewriter. My papers were covered in liquid paper… which was incidentally invented by the mother of Michael Nesmith, one of the members of the Monkees.

When I attended Sam Houston University for my Master’s degree, I was assigned umpteen research papers each semester. My darling wife typed each one of them on an IBM Selectric. She borrowed it from prison; the Walls Unit in Huntsville, TX. Actually, her boss let her take it home after work.

If he hadn’t, Kay would’ve probably stayed in prison day and night until I graduated. You have no idea what all I owe my lovely wife! She even edits my articles. At least she did up until now.

Most of the time-saving devices will become obsolete very shortly. Artificial Intelligence is a work in progress. In the not-too-distant future, many projects will be carried out by machines with minds of their own. Some are already smarter, and all are definitely faster than what we’ve been using.

Without question, AI will figure out things faster and work harder and cheaper than today’s workforce, thus, creating an unemployment rate that will shoot up faster than a cheetah on speed. I sense that the only way we will be able to afford products made through AI is to bring back the short-handled broom. – Between now and next week, I’ll look for some better news.  

 

end

hayter.mark@gmail.com

 

Interview with kid sister

 

Hayter for November 12, 2023

“Today’s guest – Jill”

You’ll be glad you showed up today, because I’m going to experiment with a new article format. I’m getting ready to interview my kid-sister Jill over the phone with y’all listening. This is the first time I’ve ever done this in my 42 years of columnizing.

 

By the way, Jill doesn’t know this, so I’ll have to explain it to her. So, I’m putting this on speakerphone, so try to hold it down.

 

Here goes… Well, that’s a lot of rings, but don’t worry, she’s usually home. We’ll just, uh—“Hello, Moke, what’s happenin’?”

 

Ah, you’re home – “Yes, I am. Why have you waited so long to call.”—Well, I’ve been busy, and I still can’t see well because of my eye procedure. You know where my retina—“I know, I know. You’ve got a bubble in your eye. Get over it, okay?”

 

Sure. What I want to do is interview you for my readers. Instead of me telling them about what’s going on with you, I thought it be good if you told them. – “So, let me get this straight. You’re telling me that your readers are dumb enough to believe that this is happening right now?” – Well all eight of them showed up, so, yes, they’re good for it.

 

“Whatever. Okay, go ahead and ask me something.” – All right, tell me something that you’ve got on your bucket list. – “OK, give me a minute to make something up.”  Hurry up before I lose the audience.  “Well lately I’ve been wanting to live in a van for a whole year just to see if I like it. The van has to have all the necessities, a stove, bed, ice box, shower… the works. I want to drive all over the place. Might stay a couple of nights in Jefferson, then Little Rock, and on to--” Bristow, Oklahoma? “That’s not funny, Moke. What else?”

 

Uh, what are you most thankful for? – “That’s easy. My family.” – Do you mean the whole family or just yours? – “Oh, you mean the family with you in it? Uh, I guess, the whole family. Of course, the whole family, you goober!”

 

Next. What is your biggest regret? – “Besides doing this interview? I’m joking. No, I regret waiting so long to let my troubles go, to be happy by myself, to not be so naïve, and to love myself.”—Ah, neat. So, when did this happen? – “The day I retired.” – Yeah, I can see how that could do it. By the way, Jill worked in an office with mostly men. Men who thought Jill had plenty of time to do stuff for them and time to talk.

 

‘Right. And on occasion, I would put in my earplugs and listen to loud music.  Of course, that was then and now is no longer then. Did I mention that I’m retired?”

-2-

Right. Subject change! Who do you think is the most overrated celebrity? If you need awhile to think—“Kevin Costner.” – “Well, he musta been on your mind. What don’t you like about him? – ‘He’s bland, stone-faced, and never happy. His best role was in “The Big Chill”, his very first movie. He played the dead body in the casket in the opening scene.  – Well, yes. But, he must’ve impressed someone with his stone-cold appearance.

 

All right, how about this one? What is the most annoying thing that people do? – “Not smiling at others. I know life is tough but manage a smile! It can do wonders for others. And, it’s not that hard to do… unless, you’re Kevin Costner.”

 

Okay, what makes you laugh? – “Well that’s somewhat general. Let’s see, I think it’d have to be Eddie Izzard. I don’t know if he does standup anymore, but he was great. . Remember when he described certain moments in history. Like, when Stonehenge was built? We laughed till I about passed out.”

 

Yes, Izzard is great! Have you seen that Nate Bargatze guy! – “Oh, my word, yes! Look, all of you fake listeners, find Nate Bargatze online. He does only clean humor and is super funny.”

 

Okay, sis, thanks for the Nate commercial. Now, baby sister, name something you’d like to do before you die. – “In other words, I have to be alive to do it? Boy, that narrows it down.” – Cute. So, go ahead. – “Okay, but it’s going to sound weird. I want to be able to save someone’s life or several people’s lives. You know, talk a person off a ledge or a bridge, or take a bullet for someone? I’d prefer surviving the bullet, but it’s not a deal breaker.” – Well, that’s nice to say, but you and I would take a bullet for one another, wouldn’t we? – “Oh, I’d have to think on that one. Actually, I was hoping to save a stranger. Maybe one of those people in the grocery store who never smiles.?

 

Last one. What’s the happiest day of your life? – “Hmm. Among my happiest days was when Varric—” – Who? – “My youngest grandson, you goober. Anyway, once when he was little we were playing around and at one point we stopped and just stared at one another. We didn’t smile or say a word. We just stared for a short while, before we both broke down laughing. Hmm, I could hold him tight and he would hold me tight right back…” – Uh, Jill—“Oh, I’m sorry. What else?”

 

Well, that’s all we’ve got time for Jillicans. You were a great guest today. Listeners, wasn’t she great! – “Yea, Jill!” –  “You were terrific!” – “We love you!”  -- “Please come back and see us!”

 

“Moke, do you know you never changed your voice during those accolades. That’s interesting, but, uh – Tell you what, I’ll talk to you tomorrow when your readers aren’t around.”

      End                           hayter.mark@gmail.com