News in a Flash

Hayter for September 17, 2023

“News in a Flash”

My favorite news-person during my college days was Paul Harvey. Every weekday he had a 15-minute radio broadcast around noon. His stories were short segments of small-town news that were somewhat odd and interesting as all get out.

The man was more known for his delivery than his stories. For example, here’s a story that, had it happened, he would’ve likely shared. -- Paul Harvey: “Arnold Johnson finally got around to removing the huge limb from the giant green ash located behind his house in Tidesfree, Utah. In doing so, he almost killed himself. (pause) Seems Arnold was straddling the wrong side of the limb that he was trying to remove. He fell a full 48 feet to the ground. (Pause) Landed on his ash. – This is Paul Harvey. (pause) Good DAY.”

In 1918, Harvey was born in Tulsa. One year before, my dad was born 40 miles west of Tulsa in Bristow, Oklahoma. My mom was born two years later in Bristow. Neither Mom nor Dad met Paul Harvey. Nor did they speak with a similar cadence. That being said, I will now share with you some news stories that Harvey would’ve shared were he still with us. I shall use my own voice because it would take too long to write in Harvey’s voice. – Here goes.

Scientists recently calculated the speed of the average person’s mind. Say you are barefoot and step on a nail. Immediately, information leaves your foot and goes to the brain to deliver the message -- “Sharp pain. Right foot!” -- The brain catches on quickly and sends a message to the healthy foot to balance your body as your left hand tries to remove the nail. Immediately, your right hand grabs your right foot, while your left hand gets the message to tug on the nail.

It will require at least 31 other messages to different body parts before you end up sitting on the sidewalk with your foot wrapped in a bloodied sock. While it seems as if a lot of time would transpire during the painful event, scientists tell us that our minds travel throughout our bodies at a speed of 268 miles an hour.

 If you were over two hundred feet tall, that process would take three to four hours before you had the nail in your hand. But, since you’re a lot shorter than that, it will take no longer than a few seconds. For example, it only took your eyes and larynx a nano-second to get the message to cry. That’s because you’ve got nerve cells shooting across your five to six-foot body at a speed of 268 mph. We’re talking seconds.

You might ask, “How did scientists come up with the speed of 268 mph? I imagine it was purely conjecture. By the way, the same scientists calculated that bad news travels across your body at the speed of 1 mph. – “Bernice, my Aunt Hildie just called to say she’s coming over at six.” – One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand—Bernice, “SAY WHAT!”

Of all the horrors brought on by Hurricane Idalia, there was one story that completely skipped my perusal. It didn’t occur in Florida, Georgia, or South Carolina. No, during its short stay around the Yucatan Peninsula, Idalia picked up a load of flamingos standing on one leg on the beach and flew them to Pennsylvania where they were deposited in various locales.  

It was hard to determine how many arrived, because, since they all look pretty much alike, some may have been counted twice. Of course, the real problem had to do with the damage caused by the birds. Few insurance companies cover damage by flamingos.

If you’ve yet to hear this next story, I apologize for being the one to tell you. Tuesday of last week, McDonald’s USA announced that it will eliminate self-service soda machines in its “restaurants”. Restaurants? I’ve never been to one of their restaurants, so maybe they’re keeping their self-serve machine operable in their burger joints. No worries. McD announced that the plan would take effect in 2032!

This begs the question, why would a well-known company inform customers that in nine years they’re ending self-service drink refills? I don’t care how much time it takes before the policy begins, there will still be riots in the streets.

This year, the greatest invention since oven mitts has reached fruition. Out of Japan and most other nations with intelligent citizens, a device the size of a cell phone that can audibly translate 36 different languagesis now available. Say, you’re in a bad way in Finland and need immediate help. Take out your small translator, push a button, and say “Where’s the restroom?” If you push the right button, a Finnish citizen will point to a restroom. If you accidentally hit “Italian” the stranger may point to a wooden fence.

But, that’s not the point. The point is, that in a matter of seconds, this small device will send messages bouncing back and forth across a dozen satellites, each of which is owned by Elon Musk. Eventually, the verbal translation returns to your translator device with the words “Restroom, please”. And what does this device cost? You can order the Poliglu out of Japan for $90 or four for $220.

Of course, it may take a couple of weeks to figure out how to find each of the appropriate languages. I think the device out of Belogrod, Russia requires that the owner keep pushing the same button until someone responds.

Obviously, this information is too late for Paul Harvey to share. But, acting in his stead, I shall end by saying, “This is Mark Hayter.” (pause) Good DAY.

Oops, one last thing. I know of one named Arnold Johnson or any other name who sat on the wrong side of a tree limb that he was removing. Now, we can have a good day.

 

End

hayter.mark@gmail.com