Eyeball Woes

Hayter for October 9, 2023

Eyes on the Ground 

                    Today’s article was written way before schedule, which is weird as           all get out. It’s easier for me to come up with stuff right before my                     deadline. I’ve had this problem since the second grade.

I never had homework in the first grade. I think it’s because, if we took our big, thick pencil home we’d forget to bring it back. But in the second grade, the homework was piled on.  That’s when I discovered how much better I do under stress.  If Mom didn’t ask me about my homework, I wouldn’t start it till right before bedtime. Mother wasn’t all that taken by my preference for doing things at the last minute. I think Elsie Hayter is the one who came up with the term “procrastination”.

When I was a teacher I kept reminding students when their projects were due. Eventually, I confessed to my disease of procrastination. I told ‘em that it was why I made lousy grades… just like they would if they turned their papers in late.

 And, why did I tell you this?  It’s because of procrastination. It is my intention to tell you why I’m writing this piece so early. The thing is, you see, I can’t see. At least not very well in my right eye. I’ve got a hole at the center of the retina. If I hadn’t gotten rid of my single-lensed telescope, I may have noticed it so much sooner.

Right now I’m going to close my left eye, and I want you to look at me. -- Wow. Your face is really scrunched up in the middle. When I raise my eyes just a tad, your hair is all scrunched up, and it’s not entirely your fault.

I learned that after experimenting with Kay. You should see her scrunched face. She insisted I go to my eye doctor. Women can draw a doctor faster than a gunslinger can clear leather.

My eye doctor is a lady. Her name’s Fish. She’s the one who told me about the hole in my retina. She even showed a picture of it. Hokey Smokes! It’s a hole with a bunch of white pointy things around it.

All along I thought the retina was the blue, green, or brown part of the eye. It’s not. That’s the iris, you idiot. (On occasion, I insult myself.) The retina is at the very back of the eye behind the jelly-like vitreous that fills the eyeball. (Kay wrote that last sentence because she got tired of explaining it to me.) If a doctor, or boring people, talk to me for over 30 seconds, my mind drifts. That’s longer than my three brothers care to listen to me, so that makes me a better listener than them.

Dr. Carolyn Chen is the eye doctor who does a lot of retina work. She’s gonna cut on me tomorrow.  I won’t be able to eat or drink anything from midnight tonight until after two o’clock tomorrow afternoon. When I asked the nurse what the problem was with water, she said that it’s liable to get into my lungs during the procedure and cause me to cough at a really bad time.  That’s called “covering all bases.”

The procedure is the easy part for me. I’m getting general anesthesia. The doctor said that it’s not necessary in all cases, but she was gonna give it to me. I suppose she noticed something about me that was a bit off.

The horrible part is that after the surgery tomorrow, I will have to keep my head down for five days, or else the liquid part in my eyeball might reopen the sealed hole. No, I don’t remember the exact words, but it was something like that. Regardless, keeping my head facing the ground is the best way to go.

 

I was told that I could, perhaps, look straight ahead for 15 minutes of every hour.  If I want to watch TV I will have to lay the screen on the floor and straddle it to watch. At night I’ll have to sleep on my stomach with my face atop a 10-inch square piece of foam with a hole in it that may be large enough for my chin and one nostril. 

Kay got online earlier last week and rented a chair that allows you to sit at an angle and stare at the floor. She also rented a bracket that reaches about a foot under the mattress and protrudes enough that I can rest my head while sleeping on my stomach. I haven’t tried the stuff out yet, because I’m sure it will depress me more than I already am.

I don’t know how long it will take me to see through my right eye, but I’ll be able to look up to watch TV and use my keyboard without moving around like one of the Great Wallendas. 

Anyway, my friend, after tying all of that info together you can now see why I chose to write this article way ahead of time. Perhaps, I’ll figure out a way to transcribe my articles to Kay in case another odd ailment hits me. Since my thoughts tend to go thither and yon while writing, it would put a mental strain on Kay to determine what to keep in and what to kick out. 

As it is, she is going to have her hands full enough just trying to get me in a position so I can watch TV. I’ll tell you right now that she’s not going to want to lay the screen on the floor so I can straddle it. – Next time. 

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