Hayter for October 29, 2023
“The Pickle Jar and Other Tales”
This afternoon, I managed to corral three topics I considered worthy of discussion. – “Vacation planning, a can opener, and my similarities to Elvis.” -- I settled on the can opener. – Okay, get your buns back here! This thing is going places.
My interest in the can opener came to me by way of Kay, who interrupted my viewing of the news by handing me a giant jar of dill pickles, and asking if I would open it. Me, open an 80 oz. jar of pickles? In America, we refer to 80 ounces as a good bit over half a gallon. The lid itself wouldn’t fit in my sock drawer.
I happened to be sitting in my comfy chair at the time, so Kay suggested I stand up, so as not to get pickle juice on me and my chair. I didn’t fear spilling any juice, because I knew I couldn’t open the thing. But, try I did, all the while thinking of an elderly lady in Magnolia straining every blood vessel in her body while trying to open a half-gallon jar of Mt. Olive Kosher Dills that her grandson bought for her. Does Mt. Olive even care about the elderly?
Before Kay could wrestle the jar out of my hands, I jumped up and hurried to the kitchen where I knew there was an ancient bottle opener magnetically attached to the fridge. I used the pointy end of the opener to pry the lid just enough away from the glass to let the pressure out. “Whoosh!” Then I calmly opened the jar. Kay said, “Thank you.”
Thank you? Did she not notice the ingenious manner in which I opened the lid? How about, “Oh, darling, you’re so smart.” or “What would I do without you?” No, I get a thank you. I can get a thank you by tossing her the TV remote from across the room. Opening a two-gallon jug of pickles deserves at least a hug and a kiss.
The only thing I’ve ever used that bottle opener for was to open killer lids on pickles, olives, and jars of spaghetti sauce. I tell you that to tell you this. The old combination can and bottle opener was not made to open pickle jars. It was made to pop off the caps on bottles and to pierce a triangular hole in the tops of beer and soft drink cans. This was before plastic bottles with screw-on lids.
Yes siree, Bob. The method of opening cans and jars has evolved quite a bit over the years. The change was for the better. No longer are the lids of soft drinks welded onto the top of the bottles. And, cans now have little tabs on the top that you pull to open. I don’t know who invented the concept, but if I were wearing a hat, I’d take it off to them.
Another great change is that of the TV volume and channel changing knobs. The Hayters were alive during the time before the TV remote was invented. For years, I was the only one who knew how to change the channel, turn up the volume, or fix the vertical hold. How many people are there in this country who even know what a vertical hold is? Change has resulted in the death of many words in the English language.
Regarding the value of the remote control, I feel necessary to ask, what do you do when you can’t find the remote control? I can locate my cell phone by calling myself on Kay’s phone. But, the TV remote? I can’t find a place on our flat screen with an on/off switch or channel knobs. I haven’t looked very hard, but that’s only because I TRY NOT TO LOSE MY REMOTE! As of yet, I’ve been successful. Oh, I still lose the thing, but I know the key areas in which to look. Fortunately, I haven’t found it in either the fridge or the oven.
Yes, remote control, is quite possibly near the top of the list of the great changes of mankind. Don’t get me wrong. There have been many changes in the field of medicine. What’s happened in the area of kidney stones, has lessened pain and saved lives.
And, don’t get me started on laxatives. There was a time when constipation was cured with a vile-tasting liquid or a chewable piece of something. I don’t know which was worse, the ailment or the cure. That has changed big time. Now, I can take three to six small pills and go about my business in no time. Yes, there has been a great change in the area of our urinary and digestive systems.
But enough on health. Right now, I’d like you to look around this room at all of the writing utensils I have. Few pencils, but a ton of pens scattered all over the house. And, a lot of them don’t care to be found. The places with the fewest visible pens are the jars and small buckets where I store them. I’ve got five of them around the house. At the moment the only writing utensils in the pen holders are those that don’t work. I don’t throw away a pen until I’m absolutely sure I can’t get a word out of it.
The new pens with smooth writing nubs are the only ones I really care for, yet, they end up in places that even the remote control has yet to find. There are ink pens with revolutionary tips. The ink flows beautifully. Nothing scratchy about the pen nub. Yes, my handwriting is still deplorable, but the smoothness and consistency of the ink flow is magnificent.
There have been so many great changes over the years, and I have literally not scratched the surface. In fact, I’m beginning to feel as if I should’ve written about Elvis and me. – Next time.
end
hayter.mark@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment