Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I feel a sick coming on


    I’m going to have to make this quick. I don’t have much time before I’ll be unreadable. Several of you have accused me of that in the past, but this time I have an excuse.

It started with Kay. She was up most of the night with nausea. That means I was up most of the night switching out garbage cans. Kay had the worst of it; I realize that. But, boy, did I not have fun.

Right now I’ve got one of those headaches that lets you know you’re getting ready to be sick. You know the one. I could take something for it, but it’s not going to work. I’ve got what Kay’s got. Close to it anyway.

The headache is associated with the ol’ the rumbly in my tumbly sensation. It’s coming, and it’s gonna be a bear. (By the way, the new Winnie the Pooh movie got great reviews. I’m planning to rent it, ‘cause I don’t wanna pay big bucks to watch a movie that’s just a little over an hour long. You wanna know the real reason, it’s ‘cause I’m afraid I will embarrass myself during the movie by trying to give that stupid Pooh Bear advice. “No, Pooh! Don’t listen to Tigger. The guy’s redick-orous!” I can do that at home, and it’s not big deal. In the theatre?

Where was—Oh, yeah. A few hours ago I went to Sonic to get Kay a large limeade. Kay likes Sonic limeades over Sonic ice. Try to get ‘em to put their limeade over Whataburger ice and they won’t do it. They just draw the line on that.

I was so proud of myself for getting Kay something she didn’t ask for. I just looked at her lying there all sad-faced, and I said, “Hey, I’m goin’ to Sonic to get you a limeade. What else you want? She said she wouldn’t mind a strawberry sundae for later when she might could keep it down.

So, I pulled into Sonic, pushed the button and told the girl, “I would like a large limeade, a strawberry sundae and a-- And, a— And, that’s all.” I was trying to say “and a coffee flavored Java Chiller.” I love just plain Java Chillers. But I couldn’t get the words out without heaving. The only way I can now write the words is by thinking of a blue Magic Marker. I’m writing “Java Chiller” but I’ve got Magic Marker on my brain. You try to do that. It’s not easy.

It was there at the Sonic speaker I first realized I was soon to be sick. I didn’t tell the Sonic girl, ‘cause she didn’t care. The girl who brought my stuff acted like she cared, but I think she just wanted a tip. That’s the only reason I’d walk to somebody’s car in 102 degree heat.

So, I came home, put the sundae in the freezer, the limeade on the end table by the couch, and then escorted Kay down the stairs. She’s now sitting there with her eyes shut but not asleep. I know that, ‘cause anytime I walk by she mumbles something to me. I can’t understand her. I just say, “I know, Sweetie.” Seems to placate her.

Before meeting you here I, uh, took/applied one of those phenergan anti-nauseating things. I don’t care to say much more about application, but I will tell you that along with eliminating the nausea, that thing will knock me out for, oh, an entire day. Maybe two. I’ll end up looking and acting like Kay.

Did any of you ever see the movie “D.O.A.” where the guy is poisoned and knows he’s going to die, so he spends his last moments trying to figure out who poisoned him? That doesn’t have anything to do with my situation, but the thought just came to me.

I think that’s one of the symptoms of whatever I’m getting. During one of Kay’s mumblings she said “I guess it’s not West Nile because…” Her comment just trailed off. Happens a lot.

I never thought of West Nile. Kay’s pretty smart even when she’s out of her mind. Not me. I make little sense when I’m sick. Become unreadable. Fortunately, I was able to spend this time with you before my mind shutdown. It got close there a time or two, but I made it. – What?


To see Brad and Mark’s latest restaurant review CLICK ON PIC:

Friday, August 12, 2011

Didn't know what hit 'em.

“Incredible Pizza”

    Until things cool down, our family get-togethers will be held at eating establishments somewhere in neutral territory. We’ve got family in Pasadena, La Porte, The Woodlands, Willis and Conroe.

Of course, our sister Sue lives in Washington State, so we’ve been excluding her from our gatherings. I’m not apologizing for that, either. If you choose to move a couple thousand miles away from family, you’re gonna get left out.

Last month’s gathering was held at Incredible Pizza in Conroe. Jill picked the place. She lives in a La Porte, and apparently likes to be on the road. I was good with the idea, ‘cause it’s only a 15 minute drive for me, and ‘cause it’s buffet. I don’t understand buffet. Do they realize you can eat all you want? Just makes no sense to me.

The only drawback to the Incredible Pizza had to do with the timing. Timing is so important in life. Whether you’re telling a joke, cooking a roast or approaching an amber light, timing is crucial.

Unfortunately, Jill timed our confab for Saturday evening. I don’t care if it’s Incredible Pizza, Chuck E Cheese or a trip to Wal-Mart, Saturday evening is not a good time for grownups… unless you want to rumble.

Though Kay and I were not the first to arrive at I P, it was obvious that I was going to have to be the one to take charge. You have no idea the hurt that comes from being the one to take charge. But, who’s gonna do it? “You, Kaffee? The truth is, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall!” – Whoa. What was that?

Anyway, Hayters were filling plates and then wandering all over the place. -- Where do we sit? Where are the bigger plates? Why would I want a salad? – People were getting testy. Dennis got into a fight with two nine-year-olds. He could’ve probably handled one. I kept telling him they’d bring more pizza.

I finally told Kay to gather up the mavericks, while I found a place for us to camp.
I went to a boss-looking person and asked if we could take over one of the special birthday rooms. “No, they’re all taken,” she lied. Hey, I don’t blame her. I’m pretty sure the manager at the Chinese buffet in Deer Park called her. She acted like she had heard of the Hayters.

I ended up leading everyone to the giant theatre room. They were airing a weird Japanese animated feature. Wait a minute. That’s redundant. We decided against watching the feature. None of the other losers in the room cared to watch, either. We just ate. It was way dark in that theatre, which made it so easy to steal off one another’s plates.

The biggest thief was Levi. That’s my nephew Clint’s youngest. From his high chair he had a grab range radius of 4 feet. By the way, Clint and Joanna named their kids Jasmine, Cash, Violet and Levi. I think Clint was looking to make a TV series called “Bonanza: The Next Generation”

After realizing the food would never run out, most of us slowed our eating pace. Once finished, we ran to the game area, a massive place with bumper cars, an iceless iceskating rink, putt putt golf and 179 other games. The brothers and Clint played Putt Putt. I lost bad. The game looks so much easier than it is.

The kids played with… well, everything. It didn’t cost all that much for the youngest to play. Seems the boat, car, spaceship games show the vehicles racing on the screens even when you don’t put tokens in. The kids would sit there and turn the steering wheel back and forth thinking they were actually directing the thing. I even caught myself doing it. Kids are dopes.

Probably won’t surprise you to know that we were among the last to leave. Yeah, we pretty well closed down Incredible Pizza. We even got cheers from the staff as we left. Some of those people are good actors.

I have no idea where we’re meeting this month. If I get to pick, it’ll be 10:45 at Luby’s. Those people won’t know what hit ‘em. 

For the latest Whine and Dine review click on pic.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Made a pancake lover outta me.

“They're the best, Jerry”

     I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m half of the restaurant review team of Brad and Mark. Professional critique Brad Meyer is the brains and I… well, I just go along for the free food. Our video segment is called “Whine and Dine.” One of us thought that cute.

    From some of the comments received about our segments, it’s apparent that at least one county resident considers me somewhat of a doofus. Brad can be so mean.

    Well, this “doofus” is getting ready to do something that’s only been done once in the history of mankind. I believe it was in Wisconsin back in ’47. I’m going to review a pancake. So, grab a cup of joe and listen up. Read up.

Last Tuesday, I wanted breakfast for supper, so I gathered Kay up and we went to IHOP. I think I missed her left shoe.

IHOP is big on pancakes. Why else would they put ‘em in their name. Take the pancakes out of IHOP and they’re IHO. Say that twice and you’ve got the first two words in a song by seven little people. Work with me here, would ya?

    Truth is I didn’t want pancakes ‘cause they weigh on me. “Sluggish” thy name is Tall Stack. That’s in the Old Testament somewhere. Fairly sure.

However, after the waitress went to get my coffee (a whole pot) I noticed a picture in the menu insert. The mini-men’. The picture was that of a plate of pancakes covered with a thick cinnamon goo. Atop this layer of brown ambrosia was a squiggly pattern of thin white icing. And on top of that was a splot of whipped cream. Splot? Somebody look that up.

I was about to jump up and run for the waitress, but Kay gave me her don’t-embarrass-me look. It’ll paralyze. I think she was still mad about her shoe. She told me to wait for the waitress. After all, that’s how they got their name.

The waitress promptly returned with my coffee and poured the first cup. After that you get to pour your own. And, get this, if you empty the carafe, they bring you another. I’m not making this stuff up.

But, forget the coffee. I told the waitress I wanted the breakfast with the cinnamon pancakes. She seemed pleased with my selection. I like it when the waitress commends me for my order. So, I ended up with two eggs (over medium), two sausages, hashbrowns and two pancakes. I had to place a separate order for toast, ‘cause I wasn’t about to trade my pancakes for toast. They shouldn’t even make it an option.

Kay ordered… something else. Who remembers? I wolfed down most of my eggs and stuff, and then sank my fork into the pancake concoction. I instantly noticed that a glob of cinnamon also covered the bottom pancake. It was genius! And, it was one of the few times where the picture of the food looked just like the actual food. Nobody has figured out how to do that with hamburgers, but IHOP managed it with their cinnamon pancakes.

Unfortunately, I got too full too fast. I decided it a good time to let Kay have a taste. She took a bite… then another. She thought for a second and said, “You know, this tastes like the best part of a real gooey cinnamon roll, the middle. Only with a cakey texture.” Kay makes up words sometimes.

But she was right. The waitress even gave us the senior discount, and we didn’t even ask. She might’ve just felt sorry for Kay. Anyway, we got one meal for free.

What a great eating experience. Some days you just step into something good. Had Brad been with me instead of Kay I would’ve stepped into something less good. Brad is so mean. I suggested we call our program “Mark and Big Stinker.” One of us thought that cute.  


You can view Mark and B Stinker’s latest review on YouTube click on picture.