vegetable and fruits

June 30, 2019

“Warning: Do not scoop your watermelon”

                        If you haven’t had a good watermelon this year, you need to drop this newspaper and go get one of those round, seedless melons from the grocery store. They’re the best, Jerry.

            Kay and I brought some cut-up watermelon to a family reunion last week and it was a big hit. There was cake and pie and cookies, but everyone bragged on the watermelon. I was so proud of me. Kay picked the thing out, but I was the one who cut it up. There’s an art to it.  

            I once scooped out a watermelon, but I’ll never do that again. You can scoop a cantaloupe; you can scoop an avocado; and if you’re crazy enough, you might be able to scoop a banana. But, don’t ever scoop a watermelon. The little balls may look cute, but the melon will be all squished together. You do not want to compress your melon. Balls of compressed watermelon are meant for throwing, not eating.

            By the way, when I bought the round, seedless melon, I also bought a big, long Hempstead seedless melon. I was going to take the big Hempstead melon to the reunion, but discovered early in the slicing that it had seeds in it. I was getting ready to take a picture of the thing so I could take it back for a refund, but Kay pulled the sticker off the melon and showed me that it was “seeded” not “unseeded.” When I read the word “seed,” my brain saw the word as “no seeds.” I mean who advertises the fact that they’re selling watermelons with seeds?

            So, I cut the heart out of the melon, and picked seeds out of a few chunks and then took it over to Big Al at the golf range. My kid brother seemed less than impressed. I made a mental note: Don’t ever de-seed a watermelon for Al. And, I won’t.    

            We’ve purchased about four watermelons from HEB so far this year. Only problem is, Kay keeps giving away half of the stuff I cut up. Don’t get me wrong. I like people. I just think they should get off their buns and go get their own watermelon. Know what I mean?

            I must say, before you showed up, I did some research on people’s favorite fruit. I wanted to see how watermelon was ranked. Well, in 2018, watermelon was the sixth most popular fruit. (I really don’t care to get into a squabble over whether or not berries, nuts, melons, and M&Ms are actually fruits. So, let’s drop it.)

            The most popular fruit last year was bananas. Seems 73 percent of those questioned, say they occasionally buy bananas. What they didn’t say was that if you wrap the stem of a banana in aluminum foil, it would slow the rotting process. – I read that in a web-site popup about stuff I didn’t know. You know stuff like WD-40 can be used to clean your toilet. So can socks, but nobody ever mentions that.

            What gets me is that the 15^th most popular fruit was the raspberry. Without a doubt, the raspberry has the second most powerful ad agency on the planet. Second only to the pumpkin. They put raspberries in everything, Ice cream, bread, coffee, dressing, cereal, marshmallows, crackers, peanut butter… When they start putting ‘em in Cheetos, I’m moving to Canada. Those people won’t even experiment with mustard. – Which reminds me, the potato was the most popular vegetable in 2018.

            No surprise there. Rice didn’t even make it into the top 20. Onions and tomatoes were two and three. Corn was 11. Can you believe that? Bell peppers, cucumbers, and celery beat corn! Who were the people who took the veggie survey? Were they all from Delaware?

            Coming in at 18, 19 and 20 were cauliflower, cabbage and asparagus. I imagine the reason “rice” didn’t make it on the list is because somebody is trying to turn cauliflower into rice. A couple of months ago I went to the freezer section of HEB and grabbed a bag of rice right there in the rice section. Turned out to be chopped up cauliflower made to look like rice. I guess I’ll have to start reading labels.

            I also found a list of America’s most popular meats. There were only 14 listed. I thought that odd, until I read the last meat on the list. It was rabbit. Any meat past rabbit wouldn’t be worth listing. Some of ‘em before rabbit didn’t need to be on the list. Bison and duck were 13 and 12. When’s the last time you cooked a duck?

            And get this, the ninth most popular meat in the US is Alaskan Pollock. I believe that’s a fish. I’ll bet it’s a “semi pelagic schooling fish widely distributed in the North Pacific with largest concentrations found in the eastern Bering Sea.” Just a guess. Wikipedia guessed the same thing.

            The top four meats in reverse order of popularity were turkey, pork, beef, and chicken. This tends to make me think that popularity of meat is somewhat related to cost. When turkey beats shrimp, the entire survey is skewed. Yes, I like turkey. I eat it twice a year. Shrimp, on the other hand, is one of my top three favorite meats, the other two being ribs and fried chicken. Their ranking varies depending on my mood at the time of the meal.

            Which reminds me, it’s close to mealtime. I don’t know what we’ve got on hand, but I have a craving for barbequed potato chips, fried chicken and Cheetos. I don’t want my Cheetos hot or puffy or raspberried. I’ll just take ‘em plain, thank you.

  

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hayter.mark@gmail.com

Mark, NO salesman

June 23, 2019

“Selling stuff is a beast”

            From an early age, I knew I was not meant to be a salesman. Mom told me that as a child I didn’t cry all that much. She didn’t know at the time, but that it was because I hated to bother her.

            And that, my friend, is at the very root of my lack of salesmanship. As expected, I stepped into adulthood with no selling experience, but, oddly enough, I have become as sharp as a cheese grater at discerning sales’ techniques.

            Just yesterday, a polite young man from Suddenlink came to the door, urging us to drop our current cable network. While there was absolutely no urging required, it was still obvious to me that the kid was as good a salesman as you’re going to find. He was calm, soft-spoken, and sharp as a—I’ve already used that one. Let’s just say he was smart. While he’d be lousy at making commercials for used car sales, he was perfect for selling cable TV.

            When that guy left, I knew where he was from, where he went to college, how many kids he had, where he went to church, his job history…  He left knowing pretty much nothing about me. He knows something about Kay, because, during the small talk, she volunteered info. The kid never asked me anything about myself, because he was more concerned about establishing his bona-fides. (“O’ Brother, Where Art Thou?” is one of my favorite movies.”)

            The toughest part of selling cable TV has to do with the fact that the price of service will increase each year in equal proportion to the national debt. Since the salesman took care of that issue by not addressing it, I brought it up. He said that the price would probably escalate by about $30 a month after the first year. That was because I was getting such a good deal for signing up. I have no idea how much it goes up the third year, nor did I ask. I hate harassing salesmen, because I know what tough jobs they have.

            Our salesman immediately shifted the conversation to the part where he is the person who will take care of any trouble we may have down the line.  He’s not going to climb into my attic or anything. He’s the guy who calls the guy who climbs into my attic.

            His final push was to get us to buy an insurance policy on our technical devices – TVs, cell phones, digital telescope, computer… (I made up the digital telescope part.) For $20 a month, all of our technologically oriented devices would be covered. That’s almost $240 a year. If my cell phone or computer broke or got lost, it was covered. If either of our TVs went out or got lost, not a problem. I might buy a deal like that for five dollars a month.

            Truth be told, I’m pretty much insured out. I’ve got policies on my car, house, health, life, as well as a place to live when I forget Kay’s name and she deposits me on the steps of an old folk’s home. It might be wise for me to add up my insurance costs for one year. I refuse to do that, because I don’t think I could find all my insurance policies and guarantees… which pretty much negates their value.  

             I’ve been paying on my life insurance policy for decades. It’s a “term” policy, which means the only way I will get any of my money back is to die. I’d better get a move on, because the policy is automatically cancelled when I turn 72. -- Note to self: Don’t mention this to Kay. 

            Speaking of Kay, sends me back to the Suddenlink guy. Kay told him that we needed to think about any IT insurance and get back to him later. – All in all, I considered it a pleasant customer/salesman experience.

            One thing that’s become an unpleasant sales experience occurs any time I go on the Internet. I ordered three water filters for our refrigerator on-line last week. One filter is good for six months, so that gives me a year and a half before I’ll need another. Since then I’ve been getting ads for refrigerator water filters at five-minute intervals. They share screen time with weed trimmers, ceiling fans, and cheese graters. They know me from my internet searches.

            The only good thing that’s come from all of these ads is the one that informed me that I had just won a prize for being the seventh person of the morning to log onto the Courier Website. Since the $100 gift certificate had already been taken, I opted for the flashlight that is so tough you can run over it with a tank and it will still work. It has to be a tank, though. Not a Yaris hatchback. I only had to pay shipping cost which was $4.70. They ended up sending me two flashlights at double the shipping costs.

            By the way, the newspaper has absolutely nothing to do with the contest. It’s all coming from my web server. Word has apparently gotten out that I’m an easy sell. One can only imagine what faces me after the Suddenlink salesman releases his report. – I keep coming back to that term life policy.

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You can contact Mark at hayter.mark@gmail.com

Emergency room and beyond

June 16, 2019

“Seeing what lights up”

            The waiting area at the office of oncology and rheumatology was packed. Apparently, it’s hard as all get out to accommodate appointments for cancer and arthritis patients in one area on any given morning.

            Fortunately, patients didn’t have to wait all that long before hearing their names called. I think I’ll take the time before being called to explain why I was there. A month or so back, I wrote a couple of articles about my stay in the hospital for recovery from an appendectomy and removal of about a foot of my small intestines.

            It was just weird as all get out. In preparation for the laparoscopic removal of my appendix, the doctor cut three holes in the area of my inflated gut. My paunch was big enough as is, but he had to pump extra air into it. It just about ruined me.

            Well, as soon as the surgeon, Dr. Umho, sent his periscope into one of the three orifices he had created, he immediately spotted a tumor on my small intestines. I don’t know what he said at the time, because I was asleep. I’m thinking it was “Hmm.” The man came across as not being easily flustered. My kind of doctor.  

            What Dr. Umho ended up doing was cutting a slit from the apex of my paunch to and around my bellybutton and down to another area that I seldom even visit. He ended up feeling the entire 20-foot length of my small intestines, and then shortening it just a bit. Turns out there were two tumors. Oh, and he removed my inflamed appendix, as originally planned. 

            At some point after my recovery, I went to an x-ray place to get a PET scan from neck to toes. Before they could do that, it was necessary to inject me with some chemical that would make tumors light up when scanned. I don’t know what it was, but I still let the guy do it. Of course, I did wisely ask for his assurance that he did not get his training at the University of Pyongyang. Hey, I’m not a complete idiot.

            After giving the chemical time to reach all or most of my veins, the technician told me to lie down on a board and put my arms above my head. In that position, I was to remain as still as roadkill for 30 minutes! Like that’s possible. 

                                                                      

            It helped that I had recently taught a Sunday school lesson on the Apostle Paul’s comment about learning to be content in every circumstance. This coming from a person who had been given 39 lashes on several occasions; a mob had thrown rocks at him until they considered him dead, he’d been shipwrecked, and a bunch of other things. Yet, he said he had learned to be content under any circumstance.

            One thing missing from Paul’s list of horrors was recovering after having his stomach pumped full of air. I must confess that at no time was I content during my gaseous stay in the hospital. Yet, I was relatively content about being informed that more cancer was detected. While working my way through college with a job at a small chemical plant in Pasadena, I was emptying bags of asbestos into different vats and measuring out chemicals that had numbers for names. Some of the goo that got on my hands could only be washed off with benzene. I was unaware of any health issues at the time, but since then I’ve been waiting for something to hit.

            Kay let our family and friends know about the tests. Our church put me on the prayer list… a list that included names of several people battling cancer. Of course, as I said, I was not all that worried. Expect the worst and you won’t be disappointed. I have no idea why Solomon didn’t include that as one of his proverbs. I guess he pretty well covered negativity in Ecclesiastes. (“Everything is futility and striving after wind.”) The man had issues… and 1000 wives.

            But let’s get back to me. I was soon summoned to see Dr. Pachapala. After a few pleasantries, the man cut to the chase and told me that the PET scan detected no tumors. – It was at that moment I realized that my calmness concerning the possibility of cancer had apparently been a façade. The heavy weight of hidden worry immediately left me… and I didn’t even know I had it in storage.

            I used both my hands in shaking the doctor’s hand. And I held onto it for an awkwardly long time. He told me there would be a few follow-ups, but that was usual. The lady at the desk who scheduled my follow-up appointment was as sweet as she could be. In fact, the staff in the entire facility couldn’t have been nicer.

            While exiting the building, I caught the eye of one or two persons in the waiting room. That’s when I was hit with guilt from being happy in the midst of people who were in a bad way. Guilt is tied to Solomon’s line about the futility of life. I have since made it my goal to focus on another of Solomon’s writings. This one is found in Proverbs 3: 5-6. – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all  your ways, and he will make straight your path.”

             

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You can contact Mark at hayter.mark@gmail.com

Family article hellp

June 9, 2019

“Family Feud”

           

            You’re probably wondering why I called you here. As you know, Kay and I just returned from a month long trip, where we had a great time visiting part of our extended family in Washington State. Two of the family members told us to give each of you a big hug from them. That’s not happening. Except for Jill. I’ll hug Jill.

            BIG AL: So, you called us all here to give Jill a hug? Your next words better be something about a meal. Surely, you got us together so you could take us all out for barbeque. So, go ahead and order take-out. I want ribs and all the grub that comes with it. 

            MARK: First of all, Al, don’t call me Shirley. Second, if you’re going to whine about it, we can go out to eat when we’re through here. Right now, I just want to touch base with each of you, to see what all happened while Kay and I were gone.

            BIG AL: Okay, just so we can get this over, I’ll start. -- It rained a lot while you were gone. I helped Jeremiah out at the driving range, but I didn’t work all that much because it rained a lot. 

            MARK: So it rained. Fascinating. By the way, Al, I only got one response to my moose head article. I heard from a guy named Robert who has a whole moose head. Not just the antlers attached to a skull. It’s got the fur too. And, he’s letting it go for a song. So?

            BIG AL: So, what? I don’t have room in my house for a moose head. What made him think I wanted one?

            MARK: Remember last week’s article about Susan’s moose head?

            BIG AL: I don’t think you should talk about our sister that way. She’s never once mentioned your moose nose.

            MARK: Tell you what, let’s hear from the only family member who hasn’t made fun of my nose. – So Jill, tell us how things have been going since we left?

            JILL: Okay, Mark Snout. I mean Mark Scott. Well, while I was housesitting your house, I got to watch a lot of scary movies on your cable. And in that light, I’ve just got to ask --  why do husbands never believe their wives when they see a ghost in the house? A ghostly, demonic figure can scream and kick down the door, but until it actually attacks the husband, he acts as if she’s just imagining things.—MEN!

            LARRY: I feel your pain, Jill. You need to stop watching scary movies and watch movies like the one about old ladies wanting to be cheerleaders. It’ll pick you right up. Of course, being a MAN, I didn’t watch it. 

            DENNIS: Speaking of Larry being a manly man, reminds me of the fact that our senior citizen softball team lost every one of our games while you were gone. How can old men possibly have fun playing softball when they have no skills whatsoever. It’s embarrassing! I might as well run the ball over from shortstop to first, instead throwing it to the first baseman. The guy couldn’t catch the flu!

            LARRY: I resent that remark! I’ve still got it. True, I do have trouble catching the ball if it’s not thrown to me, and I have trouble running the bases, but I occasionally hit the ball.  

            The thing I can’t do is remember the names of our players. Last week, I walked over to the guy playing second base and said,  “Hey, I’m embarrassed to ask, but what’s the name?” He said, “You’re Larry.” I said, “How did you know that?”

            JILL: Give it a rest, Larry. Another thing you missed, Moke, was a recipe I came across for corn on the cob. You fill a pot with water and add a stick of butter and a cup of milk. Bring it to a boil and then carefully add your corn. Let it cook for about 10 minutes. If it’s not the best corn on the cob you’ve ever had, I’ll take your leftovers.

            AL: A whole stick of butter? So, I’m guessing that after you remove the corn from the pot, you throw some potatoes and cornbread in and have corn chowder.  

             JILL: What a great idea, little brother! Of course, that will call for another stick of butter and some canned corn. 

            MARK: What about birthday parties? Who had a birthday while we were gone? There were seven of ‘em in Susan’s family. There must be 40 people in  Sue’s family, and she gets gifts for each of ‘em. Christmas, too. I can’t handle it. I won’t handle it.

            AL: Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations and Christmas? I’m giving everybody the same thing I got you last year. 

            DENNIS: Good for you Al. I’ll go ahead and thank you for nothing right now.

            AL: Speaking of gifts, what happened to Susan’s moose antlers? I thought you were bringing the skull and antlers home to me. Somebody said you wrote an article about it. You mentioned how I’ve been so nice to you

            MARK: Al, if you’ll Google “Mark Hayter Courier moose head article” you’ll discover why I didn’t bring the moose skull home. But, I tell you what, if we go out for barbecue, I’ll pay for your meal

            LARRY: Wow! Did y’all hear that? Mark’s going to buy us some barbecue. 

            MARK: Okay, but I want every one of you Jake legs to know that I love you. But sometimes I can’t stand you. 

            DENNIS: Okay, I’m starting a list of what we each want.

            JILL: Jake legs? Didn’t Daddy used to call us that. Jake legs?

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You can contact Mark at hayter.mark@gmail.com