Friday, August 7, 2009

Western Premiere

Some of us clown around after the shoot of Return of the Outlaws.

HAYTER’S ARTICLE – August 7, 2009
“Outlaws in Cowboy Capital”

BANDERA – Don’t unpack. As soon as Kay finishes dolling-up, we’re heading back home. Our business in the Cowboy Capital of the World is done. We came, we saw, we ate… we’re leaving.

Kay’s got another 20 minutes of… whatever women do to get ready, so sit on the bed and I’ll tell you about the weekend. Uh, Terry, don’t sit on my pillow. It’s one of those super foam things that, uh… Just don’t sit on it, okay? My head goes there.

What say we cut straight to the Salado part of the trip? It’s, oh, 50 miles north of Austin. We arrived Saturday morning. We came to the beautiful and historic spot because they have a super place for buying beads. I like beads. Gotta have ‘em.

Kay was the first in the giant bead shop. She had the whole place to herself. She hobbled around on her broken foot for an hour. The doctor gave approval as long as she hobbled in a shoe that had little give. Kay found a New Balance tennis shoe that has negative give. It’s so stiff that your foot wants to bend backwards with each step. Titanium, I’m thinking.

While Kay looked to replenish her supply of necklace makings, I decided to go somewhere cool and read. Ended up by the creek where the naked mermaid statue is. It’s a replica of the mermaid in Copenhagen. I don’t think it’s the same size. Can’t be the same size. Of course, I’ll never know for sure, ‘cause I can’t see me going to Denmark. Oxnart, maybe. That just came to me.

As I sat reading, a few cars pulled up, stopped and then left. I think people are uncomfortable walking down to a creek to see a bare-breasted mermaid while a guy sits close by. I look at it as a conversation piece. The mermaid had apparently heard it all, though. Not a word.

After my cell phone beeped, I headed back to pick up Kay and make room in the trunk for her haul. A lot of beads exchanged hands that day, my friend. It wasn’t pretty.

With our wampum on board, we headed to Bandera for the big movie premiere. What better place to hold the premiere of a movie titled “Return of the Outlaws” than at the Cowboy Capital of the World. I don’t know how a town gets to be the Cowboy Capital, anymore than I know how Jacksonville got to be the Tomato Capital of the World. The whole world? I think it’s the first one to claim it. Oxnart probably missed out by two days. Where is that place?

Obviously, I wouldn’t argue with any cowboy in Bandera about their “Capital” distinction. I know some cowboys who could break me in two. Some of ‘em are my friends. Some of ‘em were even in the “Return of the Outlaws” movie with me and Big Al. These guys were the real deal. Uh, not as far as acting goes, but cowboying. They can outride, outshoot, outspit and, uh… Oh yeah. Break me in two.

Sheriff Corbin Timbrook with a shot-dead me during the filming of RotO.

There were a few Hollywood actors in the movie who flew in for the premiere. The faces behind the names, you would likely recognize. The names, I’m not so sure. Let’s see, John Castellanos, Corbin Timbrook, J. Eddie Peck and Michael Gregory were there. A couple more California actors didn’t make the trip, so I don’t need to mention them. Hey, if they’re not gonna show...

The premiere was held at the Long Horn Saloon, owned by Clint Black’s brother, Brian. I doubt Brian likes to be introduced like that. I also think he owns the saloon. Pretty sure. Talented guy, too. Good voice, great performer. Before seeing Brian, I only knew of Kevin Black. No telling how many other brothers Clint has. I’ll bet they’re all talented, too. I’ve got three, and not a one of ‘em can sing. Nor, do any of ‘em own a saloon, or even a Jiffy Lube.

Nobody asked me, but I wouldn’t have staged a movie premiere in a big saloon. Even a big blockbuster movie. RotO is a low budget movie. Way low. If it had been, say, “Tombstone” I think even the drunks would’ve stayed quiet. But, midway through the feature, it got to hear the dialog.

I can't tell you how mean Castellanos was in this movie.

Truth be known, I may have started it all. Viewers were fairly attentive until John Castellanos killed Big Al. When that happened I booed really loud. “BOOOO!” And, I hadn’t even been drinking. You don’t plug my kid brother without getting at least a “Boo!” from me. Castellanos was mean. Boy, was he mean.

A few minutes after that, things got noisy. You mix cowboys and booze with a B-Western and you’re gonna get some disruption. Fortunately, I didn’t try to throw anybody out. It might’ve gotten ugly. Kay had a strong hold on me, or I woulda come unglued. I’m just tellin’ you.

All in all, I’d have to say that all cowboys were valiant. I don’t know what that means, but it’d make a good book title. I thought Terry Mann the best “real” cowboy actor. He played the cowboy doctor in the movie. After delivering one line, he paused as if putting impact on his next statement. When I bragged on him for that, he told me he had forgotten his next line and was simply thinking real hard before it came to him. If you ever rent the movie, you might notice that.

Don’t look too hard at the other stuff. Did I mention it was low budget? Director, Chuck Walker, and Producer, Sam Cable, can do a whole lot with not much. But, they can’t make another “Tombstone.” In fact, I hope nobody tries. You can’t beat perfection.

Still, the way I see it, Terry Mann was the best “real” cowboy in “Return of the Outlaws.” A big thumbs up for Mann. Now, Terry, you big sidewinder, will you get off my pillow? I know you are, but what am I? -- Kay! I might need you in here! Somebody hold me back! PLEASE!

The great actor Terry Mann is in the white hat.



  1. Good article, Moke. And it was a great movie cause my brothers were in it! Al died really well, and Moke you play the best crazy guy! I love it that my brothers are in the movie business, I'm one proud sister!

  2. Mr. Hayter!!! You probably don't remember me but I was one of your students in high school. I was thinking about the column you had in The Villager and decided to do a search for your work. :) So glad I found you! I always enjoyed your writing, and your class! You're such a hoot! I see you retired from teaching. So glad I had the opportunity to have you as my teacher twice! :)

    Amanda "Wood" Lipscomb