Saturday, May 1, 2010

Roofsit sans lawn chairs

MARK’S ARTICLE – May 1, 2010 ‘New Roof”

ROOFTOP -- No, no, I’m sorry. There will be no lawn chairs on the roof tonight. We’ll be placing our buns right up there on the peak. It’s not too comfortable, but it’s —Hey! I didn’t mean for you to toss your chair in the hedge. Bernie, sheesh!

Hey, stop! All of you, look at me! Look at me! The guy with the flashlight! Some of you are really pushin’ it. Now, just because Bernie threw his chair in the hedge doesn’t mean you all have to. If Bernie squawked like a-- Okay, cut it out!

Excuse me a second. – “No, Kay, it’s just the rooftoppers. I don’t know, but Bernie started it. It’ll be fine, Sweetpea. Go back to ‘Glee.’” Nothin’ gets by that girl.

Watch your step, people. This is my new metal roof. It’s slippery as eel snot. And, yes, I’m sorry, Sharon. I didn’t notice your niece was with you. Schenectady, you shouldn’t say “snot.” No, now quit saying it, sweetie. Atta girl.

Sharon, you’re gonna need to hold her, ‘cause the roof is slippery as—No, now, we don’t say that word. Remember? Can we get on with this?

The reason the roof is slipperier than usual is ‘cause it’s new. If I had made this a daytime roofsit, you would’ve noticed that. How I wish I’d made this a daytime roofsit.

A week or so ago, Kay and I finally bit the proverbial bullet and had local carpenter Brian Shelly take the old rusted roof off and put on this gorgeous tan-colored thing. Drive by tomorrow morning and you can get a better look. Of the roof. Brian won’t be here. And, you don’t hafta stop. Just cruise on by. Wave it you like.

Do any of you know how much a new metal roof costs? Yes, Schenectady, it costs a lot of that word you just said. But you need to quit saying that, darlin’.

Let’s just forget the cost. Who cares anyway? What say we enjoy the night on the new sleek and slippery roof? By the way, the old roof was slippery, too, when it was first installed. I assume it was. But, over the years it got corroded. Corrosion gives you traction. We could walk all over the old roof (when it was dry) with no fear. This one has yet to be corroded. Less traction.

That’s why we left our lawn chairs down there. Kay wanted to make sure that the chair legs wouldn’t scratch her new roof. I’m sure they won’t, but I can’t prove it to Kay’s satisfaction till daylight. For now, we’re in the dark, balanced on the ridge. Yes, it does hurt a bit, Schenectady. And, yes, it’s slippery as what you said.

By the way, kiddo, what were your parents drinking when they named you? – No, I’m just sayin’ why not Sacramento or Weleetka.—There is too. It’s in Oklahoma– Sharon your niece is ruining everything. – I know you are, but what am I?

I’m sorry, people. Felt like I was talkin’ with Big Al for a minute there. No, he’s fine. No, we’re not going to call him. What we are going to do is look for fireflies. I saw two before you showed up. One was to the left of the driveway and the other over by the Jungle Gym. I hope this is a good year for lighting bugs… or bubs. That’s what I call ‘em, Lightning bubs. Sounds better. – Does too. Don’t get me started, baby sister! I’ll knock a knot on your head.

That’s what my Mom used to say. “Mark Scott, I’m gonna knock a knot on your head!” When she was really mad, she’d say that she was going to wring our necks. Or, slap the snot out of—Oh, no. Forget that one.

Mom wasn’t mean or anything. That’s just the way the neighborhood Mom’s threatened. They even stole one another’s threats. Only the good ones. Like, “You’ll be walking at an angle the rest of your life!” I believe Steve’s mom came up with that one.

And, every house in the neighborhood had its windows opened ‘cause there was no air conditioning. You could hear threats and spankings four houses down. All Moms threatened to wring necks and knock knots. We all took it in stride. Were it to happen today, every Mom on the block would be behind bars.

You don’t have to actually hurt somebody to be charged with assault. Just the threat and the ability to do it is all you need. No question we were threatened, and no question every mom I knew could deliver. Of course, I never got a knot on my head or a wrung neck from a spanking. None of my friends did either… that I know of.

We sure got the spankings, though. Next day, we’d ask, “What you’d do, David?” Sometimes we didn’t wanna talk about it. Bestest friends knew when not to press.

And, yes, my rearend is beginning to develop a horizontal crease. Your’s too? No, Sharon, I don’t wanna hold your niece while you reposition your— Okay, now you like me. How does that work? No, it’s too dark to play on the Jungle Gym. Maybe tomorrow you can get Wichita to bring you over. Is that your Dad’s name? Well, it was just a guess.

Okay, yeah, Bernie, I imagine it is time for all of us to climb down. Didn’t accomplish much tonight, but that’s pretty much the point. Watch your step and don’t forget to pick up your lawn chairs. Next time we’ll bring ‘em up with us. So much more comfortable.

Hold my hand, Schenectady, I’ll help you down, bubbo. No, I just came up with that name. – Sharon did you hear what your niece called me? Rhymes with Big Lot. You’re something else, kiddo. You remind me of me.


You can contact Mark at Mark and Montgomery County restaurant critic Brad Meyer have posted their latest audio review at


  1. Dad always threatened to knock a knot... Moms was... gonna jerk a knot in your tail! If memory serves, didn't you have a roof accident a few years back? Careful, Bud... you ain't gettin' any younger! Takes much longer to heal at your age.

  2. Moke, that was hilarious! I laughed out loud. I certainly enjoyed looking at your new roof, although I didn't notice it until you mentioned it. Isn't that weird? I noticed the rust on the old roof, but didn't notice that it wasn't there any more. Anyway, it looks great!

    How about Mom threatening to pull our hair out, and the one we all hated the most was, when she threatened to tell Daddy what we did when he got home from work. When she would say that, she didn't have to put up with us until supper time, cause we were nowhere to be found, hoping she'd forget and not tell him. She rarely told him though.

    And about people naming their children these days... I saw another stupid name for a kid on the back of a car, well the name's not stupid, it's the way the parents spelt it - "Madisyn". I'm not sure why that bugs me but it really does.