“Oldest thing in the house”
Do you have an item in your house that has pretty much overstayed its welcome? Yes, that’s a rather personal question, but “Work with me, people!” (Read that in your Al Pacino voice.)
You might want to call this an intervention type moment. Hey, we’ve all had ‘em. My first involved the habit I have of wearing only one shoe around the house. Kay had to accept the fact that it’s incurable. She ended up going to a counselor. Intervene that!
Today’s intervention is for all of us. The six of us. No, now don’t look like that Fess up. You’ve got some old stuff around the house that has no business being there. Don’t believe me? Let’s play a game. You like games.
We’re going to have a contest to see who can locate the oldest consumable in the house. No, not my house, you goob— Uh, sorry, Luke. I mean we will each search our own individual house. And, then we’ll meet back here in, what? Thirty minutes. I’m pretty sure we’ll tire of the game by then.
Before we head out, we must get the rules straight. We’re looking for something consumable. By consumable I mean that it’s not a chair, a piece of jewelry or a photograph. We consider those untossable. No, we’re looking for something you brought home with the intention of eventually using it up. A box of Kleenex, pack of gum, wedge of cheese… Stuff like that.
You must know that something once edible carries more weight than, say, a Bic pen. It just has to. After all, it takes a really special person to hold onto a 20 year-old jar of pickle relish. Having fun just thinking about it, aren’t you?
Okay, let’s get started. You’re gonna lay the paper down and not pick it for 30 minutes. Got it? On ‘mark, set, go!
Is anybody back yet? I said, is—Well, I’m a few minutes early. I got tired at the 20 minute mark. I’ll wait a bit. “It’s knowin’ that your door is always open and your path is free to walk…”
Okay, that’s enough. Settle down, people! All right I’ll go first. I went to the freezer compartment and found something prehistoric. Not sure what it is, but it’s old. I’d have to thaw it to find out what it is. It’s either meatloaf or soup. I’m not in the mood for either.
About three years ago I started labeling and dating the stuff I put in the freezer. The gray bag predates the labeling and the dating. Since I can’t determine the exact year, I’ll have to disqualify it. Don’t even know why I brought it up.
In the kitchen cabinet I found a three-year old box of noodles. That’s just the expiration date. No telling how long I’ve had it. We’ve eaten a lot of noodles since buying the box. I don’t know what troubled me about this one. I’ll have Kay ask her counselor next week.
The French onions is the only thing that didn't get tossed. Oh, and the PEZ dispenser. However, somebody broke in and stole the thing. Must have. I can't find the thing now. Isn't that just the way...?
When I was headed downstairs, I found an old shopping receipt on the floor. It was from a Winn-Dixie in Commerce, Texas. On August 4, 1997, somebody bought two PRT/CUP for $1.19 each. I’m sure it’s not the oldest receipt in the house, but the oldest that was laying on the floor by the computer. By the way, Kay was looking through a box of old photos about an hour ago. I think the receipt came from one of the boxes. Either that are we’ve still got a poltergeist problem.
There is a can of French’s French Fried Onions that has a 1995 expiration date branded on the metal bottom. We don’t make that many green bean casseroles. Sad.
I’ve got a 12-year-old smiley face PEZ dispenser on my bookcase. It’s not consumable, but the original PEZ candy in it is. It was a gift, and while I’m not crazy about the dispenser, I don’t throw away candy.
I could go on and on, but I think I’ll cut to the chase? Whatever that means. The oldest thing I found during my 20-minute search was a 32-year old jar of Bayer Aspirin. I don’t like to throw away medicine any more than candy. I may have some pain pills that predate that, but like I say, I grew tired of looking.
So, what’d you come up with? -- Stop! We’re outta time here. Tell you what, do. See the e-mail address at the bottom? Well, look again. See? E-mail me your most interesting old item(s) and I’ll put include it in an upcoming article. If I never bring this up again, it means most of you never returned from the search. That’s what I’m thinking. – Next time.
You can contact Mark at firstname.lastname@example.org