Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Kay's comin' up with stuff

“Dr. Phil and Bulgaria”

I don’t know about you, but springtime is hitting me hard. And, it hasn’t even arrived yet. By the time it gets here I’m going to be in full swing loony. I’ve been there. Not pleasant.

It’s Kay. You wanna know the truth, that’s who it is. She’s outside right now taking pictures of the house. Says she wants to frame pictures of the house and hang ‘em IN the house. Bring the outside inside. It’s either genius or the subject of an upcoming Dr. Phil episode.

If she did make it to Dr. Phil, the guy would end up hammering me. “And, Mr. Hayter, -- May I call you Mark? -- Why do you wish to stifle your wife’s creativity?”

“Uh, Dr. Phil, -- May I call you Dr. Troublestarterguy? – She’s bringing the outside of the house inside the house. What’s next? Hanging pictures of our bedroom on trees? That’d be like getting a picture of your spleen and sticking it on the seat of your pants. The world is not yet ready for such creativity. Due respect.”

I know where Kay’s coming up with this stuff. She gets it off those decorating shows. There are billions of ‘em. A lot of times I say “billions” as a massive exaggeration. Not this time. There are literally billions of decorating shows.

I walked over to the loveseat to give Kay a kiss yesterday, and during that two-second smooch heard the word Bulgaria coming from the TV. I can go two, three years without hearing anyone say “Bulgaria.” Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

Kay told me the program involved going to other countries and helping people pick out places to live. Find a place that suits their needs, that has designing potential and meets their budget. Kay said that house prices in Bulgaria are quite reasonable. Just slightly above those in Chernobyl.

I threw in the “Chernobyl” part. It was a cruel attempt at humor aimed at Bulgaria. Not the people of Bulgaria. I love Bulgarians. Many of my friends come from Bulgaria. -- Wait a minute. That’s a lie. None of my friends come from Bulgaria. Willis. That’s it. I’ve got some friends from Willis.

Point is, someone imagined that people would enjoy watching a camera crew follow a couple around Bulgaria in search of a place to live. And, get this, the guy was right!

If series has already broadcast from Pazardshik, Bulgaria, one can only imagine where they’ll go next. Ukarumpa, New Guinea. That’s just a guess. I think I’m close, though.

Matters not. Not to me, anyway. What does matter is that Kay is picking up some serious stuff from her design, house hunting, build a patio, redo a living room programs. Wouldn’t bother me, but her application of the shows is seeping into my realm… into my living space. I don’t like seepage in my living space.

Remember that loveseat I mentioned back there? Well I did. We bought it last week. Kay decided we should give away the twin bed in the guestroom and replace it with a loveseat, and then replace the old red recliner in the room with something new. I loved that recliner. I took many a nap in that recliner. It’d put my left leg to sleep, but that chair was a friend of mine. Might’ve been from Bulgaria, even.
The Loveseat... oh, and me.

Right now, it’s in the mudroom. You enter the back door and you’re met with a recliner. We can’t give it away. But we have replaced it with a brand new green recliner. Looks good. Feels… oh, it’s okay. I can force a nap in it. I’ve been known to nap on a ladder.

Kay asked me help her pick out the loveseat and recliner. I don’t know why. She saw the loveseat she wanted right off. I thought it was okay. I particularly liked the price.

While I agreed that the loveseat was nice, I suggested we look at another one over in the next display. Kay glanced at it and said, “No, we’re getting this one.” Put me in my place right there in the furniture store. Right in front of God and the couple over there by hide-a-bed.

I wanted to tell the couple by the hide-a-bed that I was in charge of our TV remote, but they wouldn’t have believed me.

I had to borrow Freeman’s truck to get the two pieces home. The price of the furniture didn’t include shipping, but I’ve got a friend born in Willis who has a truck. When Kay and I unloaded the loveseat and recliner, phase two of the fun began.

Kay decided she wanted to put the new recliner in the living room and haul a living room chair back to the guestroom. I don’t know how she sees stuff like that. The girl has vision. Vision born of a billion or so designer shows.

Kay's recliner... oh, and Kay.

I don’t ask why anymore. I’m just the swapper-out guy. Tomorrow we’re going to swap out a table from the master bedroom for two end tables in the guestroom. Why? Why are lizards always doing pushups? I don’t even think they know.

Yesterday, we had to clean out the study. Had to. I’d tell you more about it, but the hurt is still with me. I lost some serious stuff during that clean out. Serious stuff. But, I deserve it for the grief I brought my Bulgarian reader. I was way too calous about his homeland. Sorry, Stanislaus, but I’m under a lot of pressure here.

It’s Kay. It’s spring. It’s what spring is doing to Kay. And, it hasn’t even started yet.


To view Brad and Mark’s restaurant review of Jasper’s in The Woodlands, click below:


  1. I'm already hearing a long shriek from Jill, over the mention of lizards. LOL!

  2. Oh my word I laughed so hard I almost woke my children! Great one Mr. Hayter!!! :)

  3. You hit that lizard right on the nose, Ms. A. Ah, do lizards even have noses? I know they have tails. I saw my first lizard of the Spring, yesterday on Moke's kitchen window... happy, happy, joy, joy!
    Moke very funny article. I also liked the one I read this morning in the Courier, but they won't see that until later... it's very funny!

  4. Jill... why are you anonymous??? You can't be anonymous, I know you! Mark knows you, too. LOL!

  5. Hahahaha! It's because I can't figure out what my password is. I'm trying to hit the hay, but it's buggin' the heck outta me that I can't log on... I'm going to bed, sheesh.

  6. Jill, you need to keep better notes. That's what happens when you suffer from CRS! Notes, notes and more NOTES.

    PS: Don't forget where you keep the notes, either.