Friday, February 10, 2012

Surely you can't bring in any ol' animal.

If I put a picture of a snake in here, I'd dream about 'em. 
This picture is so much cuter.

“The snakes are coming”

    I won’t be going to Florida any time soon. Probably never. I suppose you read about the snakes? Oh, yeah. Just when I think there’s nothing else out there that can possibly increase my level of peeve someone introduces pythons and anacondas. “How can we upset Mark this time? Wait! What about giant snakes?”

    The massive reptiles are currently congregated in the southern tip of Florida. Mostly in the Everglades. But they’re gonna move. Oh, they’ll move. They’re predicted to go north to Georgia and then travel west to Texas.

    How long will it take for ‘em to get here? Well, on average the female python lays 54 eggs. The male? Not so many. Not only do all the eggs hatch, but some of ‘em contain twins and several are two-headed. Hey, I’ve seen the movies.

    Won’t be long before you’ll open your newspaper and read, “Montgomery County resident swallowed by two-headed anaconda while trimming the hedge. (The resident, not the snake.) Funeral services will be held in four to six weeks, pending digestive cycle of 28 foot-long Dark Spotted Anaconda.”

    You know how the snakes got to Florida, don’t you? People imported ‘em to the U.S. and sold ‘em for pets. Last year reptile trade in the United States was a $2 billion business. Snakes, crocodiles, poison dart frogs…

    So, some idiot buys an anaconda because-- Who can know why? The same reason somebody pierces his lip and inserts a ring. I can only assume it’s to upset me. (I may be just a bit self-absorbed. You think?)

    Anyway, the pet anaconda gets too big for its cage and eats the Doberman. The owner does the only logical thing. Rents a U-haul and dumps the snake in the Everglades.

    From what I read, “researchers” (nobody knows who they are) conducted an animal count along one of the few roads through the everglades. They didn’t consider getting off the road because of… what? Oh, yeah. Snakes!

 After their drive, they reported 99 percent fewer raccoons and 88 percent fewer bobcats. Absolutely no rabbits or foxes. They spotted some armadillo deification, but no armadillo. Most understandable.  

The deer population was even down. Plenty of giant snakes, though. And, quite a few African Slender-snouted crocodiles. They were big during the Christmas of ’98. 

    I realize that all of us think that the government has no business regulating anything other than non-white collar crime. However, I’m going to go out on a limb here and beg, plead, beseech… ( somebody grab me a thesaurus and give me more “urge” meaning verbiage.”) Please, stop the importation of any animal that has at any time been featured in a Disney documentary.

    I did read that the Obama administration banned the import and interstate commerce of Burmese pythons and yellow anacondas. I can only assume that the Indonesian pythons and Bolivian Green anacondas had powerful lobbies. Regardless, it’s a start.

    As soon as we get the snake invasion under control – and considering how well we handled fire ants and killer bees, it shouldn’t be too long – we need to move on to the monkeys. They’re here folks.

    I read another piece on a family traveling the country in a motor home, because authorities in their parish in Louisiana wanted to inspect their monkeys. The monkeys must’ve been breaking the law somehow, ‘cause the guy loaded up his wife and monkey family and headed out. Probably plans to park in the yard of one his uncles
who happens to live behind me.

    I’m sure monkey’s make great pets, but only if you’re an orangutan. Otherwise they’re going to do a number on you and your house. Won’t be long before they’ll be interrupting our roofsits. “Agnes, not to worry, but you’ve got a squirrel monkey in your hair. No, don’t scream, that only— Well, that’s just sad.”

    And, why do people have pet monkeys? You guessed it. – “Next, let’s upset Mark by introducing some Asian carp that come flying out of the water and hit women in the head and men in the crotch. It’ll be a hoot. Wait a minute. We’ve done that.”


To view a video of Mark and Brad’s review of Dumas’s Tacos click below: