Friday, September 7, 2012

Bushel-sized breasts in our future?

Average bra size in Sweden
Getting big we are

    I’ve decided to quit eating. It’s not the first time I’ve said that, but this time is different, ‘cause I really mean it. See the look on my face? That’s my serious look.

I’ll continue doing restaurant reviews with crazy ol’ Brad, but I’ll just smell the food, make notes about the service, atmosphere and how mean Brad was to the wait staff. The guy is a beast.

     But, I’m not eating. Eating has cost me not only my neck, but also a bunch of decent jeans and shirts. No socks. I’ve been able to maintain my foot size, but it’s been a struggle.

    Weird thing is, I haven’t been eating all that much. I don’t even see how a normal person could stay alive on what I eat. A normal American anyway. Air has more calories than some of the stuff I’ve been chewing on. Still, I gain weight. Raise your hand if you think life is fair.

    It’s not just me, either.  A lot of you are fat… uh, overweight. The Center for Disease Control recently reported that 36 percent of Americans are overweight. I don’t know where they took their studies, but it was nowhere near where I live.

    I want you to go back and look through the pictures in today’s Courier. Not now! Sheesh. I guarantee you, at least 70 percent of the people you see getting arrested, or protesting or receiving service awards are overweight. This obviously means one of two things. Courier photographers prefer taking pictures of the obese, or sightings of thin people are getting less and less.

    And, women? Sheesh. What’s happening out there, ladies? My research staff tells me that the average bra size as of last year is 36 DD. Not a C, or even one D. We’re looking at Double Ds. And, one report said that 46 percent of you are wearing bras that are too small for you.
Wrong bra size: Before.
Correct Bra size: After

    I’m pretty sure they’re talking about the cup size. That’s the DD part. I’ve done my own research. D is big. They don’t go past F. The plans for a G are still on the drawing board.

 I tried to follow how cup size is determined, but they lost me when they started using calculus. If you’ve got to apply higher math to figure out bra sizes, you’re way over thinking it.. 

    Some doctors say that women are getting larger breasts because of estrogen. I don’t think current breast expansion has anything to do with female body chemistry. Men don’t have estrogen (I don’t think) and our breasts are getting bigger. We’re just all getting fat.

    By the way, Russia has bigger breasts than we do. The biggest breasts in the world come from Russian and the Scandinavian countries. I’m not surprised about Sweden and Norway. But, Finland? When’s the last time you saw a large breasted Finn?

    And don’t get me started on rear-ends. What on earth is happening to our sit-down parts? We’re massive. Not me. My rear is pleasingly appropriate. It’s my gut that I’m worried about. My gut and your rear-end.

There’s something happenin’ here. And, what it is, is attaching itself to your rear. And, my belly. I’m not forgetting my belly. 

    Have you ever been to a museum and looked at the size of the clothing that our pioneers wore? And, soldiers’ uniforms? I’ll bet 95 percent of the men today could not get into the average sized Civil War uniform. No way could I fit into the average sized WWII uniform. 

    We used to be a little people. No more. You can blame it on steroids in the cows, fastfood, and Blue Bell. But, I think if you scratch this thing, you’ll see that its roots go back to 1971, when a Ronald Biggins opened up the first café that had an All-You-Can-Eat buffet. 

    All you can eat? That’s wrong in so many ways. I don’t like to eat all I can eat, but if I pay for it, I’ve gotta eat it.

    Yeah, it’s all you can eat… and maybe late night snacks. That can’t be good. And, eating when we’re not hungry. Why do we do that? --  Well, I’ve stopped doing it. I’m through eating till I can fit into a Civil War Uniform. Or drop a bra size. One or the other.

    Take another look at my face? See? Oh, I’m serious this time. 


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