Friday, July 5, 2013

In the year 2525... uh, I mean 2113.

“Prediction results for 2113”

    Remember the article a few weeks ago where I reported on predictions from 100 years back? Any of you? I asked you to send me your own predictions for life in 2113?  Anybody?

A few of you remember, but you’re just embarrassed to let on. Well, this week I reveal the results. Not all of ‘em. Some of you predicted stuff that’s already happened. Caramel Cheetos? Hey, I’ve made those, Bobbie.

Some suggested stuff that’s obviously not going to happen. A cure for baldness? Get real, Patrick. Velcro eyeglass frames? Oh my word, Sharon. That technology will not surface until the next millenium… if then. 

However, here are a few legit ones. Crayola will have invented eight new colors by 2113, according to Autumn. She didn’t say, but I predict one of the colors will be called “Blue. Just Blue! What do you want from me?”

According to Jenn, nano-particles will be the big think in 2113. Nano-particlss. You kow, real tiny things. Subatomic. About the size of a combo meal before you super-size. Jenn predicts that with nano technology scientests will develop a cloak that, when donned, will turn the wearer invisible. I know that sounds improbable, but you give me a shopping cart, put me in any grocery store in town, and I assure you the mother-of-three standing in the middle of the olive aisle will be completely oblivious to my presence. – “Ma’am? – Lady? – Woman reading the relish label? – I’m here. Over here.”

The nano particles are also going to absolutely ruin the washing machine business. Jenn writes that both odor and stains will be repelled by the new fabrics. I’m just glad we’ll actually be wearing clothes in 2113. Second thought, what do I care?

Cathy says that William Shatner will still be doing Priceline Commercials. Up until a year or two ago, I would’ve said that Dick Clark would still be hosting the New Years festivities in New York City. Boy, he sure ruined that for me. Hope he’s happy.

Cathy also believes that Facebook and Twitter will merge to form TwitterFace. You won’t have to key in anything. Your brain will automatically establish a post. – “plan 2have spaghetti 2nite 4dinner.” That will be so cool.

I also received an e-mail from  Jaber George Jabbour, a Syrian living in the UK. I used his whole name, so you could Google him and see that I’m not making this up. Jabbour apparently ran across my article in The London Times. It’s a guess. Surely he didn’t find me on the Internet. Does the Internet even exist outside the U.S.?
Canned burgers are decades away

Anyway, after reading my earlier prediction article  -- the one where John Watkins, Jr. back in 1911 predicted that all spelling would become phonetic and that the letters C, Q and X would be eliminated from the alphabet -- Jabbour wrote that it’s currently being done. He is promoting a global alphabet called SaypYu. It’s an acronim for, uh, something phonetically spelled. I’m not sure. “Say A Yeti Plundered Your Uberskoben. Notice how there are no Cs, Qs or Xs in that.

With his new alphabet, Jabbour spells “cube” – “kyub.” “Queen” is “kwiin.” And “six” is “siks.” And, this linguistic genius actually contacted me all the way from the UK. Before Jabbour, a couple of e-mails from the Hints from Heloise lady were my greatest columnistic accomplishments. – So, based on Jabbour’s work, the 1911 prediction about the alphabet has been confirmed. Thanks, JGJ. Seriously.

Whoa, the time is flying. Uh, Elizabeth is under the false assumption that college will be free in the year 2113. I’ll go her one further, I predict that technology will eliminate the need for higher education. No one will need to study, ‘cause everyone will just speak into their velcro-ed eyeglass-frame and it will instantly tell you who to vote for, how many pecks in a quagmire and the perfect-slot width for a toaster.

There won’t be any teachers, because with all the new devices around, it will be impossible to keep kids from cheating. I think it already is. All right, let’s move on.

Ed predicts that his Grandpa’s watch will have been passed along to a distant grandson of his, and it will still be right only two times a day. I thought that one precious. Mike predicts that HCN restaurant reviewer Brad Meyer will retire in 2113… his last review being that of Kwiins Ksodeaas Palus. The name of the eating place is my prediction.

Dona believes the world will be gone by 2113, but Kathleen writes that life in 2113 will be simple and good. She predicts there will be the “biggest dumb war known to man,” and we’ll end up raising our own food and bartering for stuff. People will be honest and kind to one another -- until the supply of toilet paper runs out. Right, that part was from me.

Roger believes that the world will be destroyed in 2109 during a national debate in the United Cities of America over how many planetary melting projectiles the Constitution permits one to put in an ammo clip. I realize many of you would like to know Roger’s last name, but I agreed to not even use his real first name.

Well, I’m fairly sure that none of us will be a part of the ammo clip debate. Of course, if Brad Meyer and William Shatner make it to 2113, maybe a few of you will, too. Oh yeah. Justin Beiber will also make it. Dona predicts he’s gonna chicken out on going on a space ride. I have no idea what that’s about… and, I’ve been following the Country Western superstar since he was just a kid. --  What?

End    -- 

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