Saturday, August 3, 2013

The witching hour?

“Awake at 3:00 a.m."

    Do you often find yourself awake on or around three in the a.m. and can’t go back to sleep? Happens a lot, does it? Well, join the crowd, Bucko.

    Happens to me practically every morning. I’m beginning to adopt the notion that if anyone ever does find me asleep at three, it’ll be an early morning jogger who just tripped over a body. You people need to watch where you’re stepping.

    Right now it’s 4:09… just like the song. You know, the car song? “Nothing can catch her, nothing can stop my 409, 409…” Well, pretend you remember… and cut me some slack. I’m a little weird of a morning. – What? Thought I heard you say something?

    I actually woke at 2:43 and just lay in bed for an hour. If I had to work today, I’d still be in bed trying to fight it. But, since retirement, I’ve been dragging my rear down stairs to eat a bowl of cereal or read. Sometimes both. I’m one impetuous fool. – Beg pardon?

    This morning, I decided to go to the here and talk with you awhile. What on earth are you doing up so early? And, how did you get your hands on the paper this early? Can I have your crossword while you’re reading me? -- Whoa. That got seriously mysterious.

    By the way, I did research to find out why the propensity for a three a.m. mental wakeup call. Seems to be no consensus on the cause. Some think it’s because three is when spirits come out to... do what they do. It’s like a witching hour. Hey, movies have been made.

    While I don’t believe that to be the case, I’ve got to tell you that this house makes a lot of noise at night. There are some cracking noises and loud ticking sounds… like maybe clocks. Which is odd, ‘cause I’ve only got about three clicking clocks in this house, but they make absolutely no noise during the day.

    The icemaker is one loud piece of appliance add-on. I think I’ve got problems, an icemaker never sleeps. Mine doesn’t dispense either. To repair the small, plastic hook that holds the dispensing doohickey, I’d have to replace the entire door. The door itself would cost  $400. The repair guy said I could do the job myself. 

When it comes to judging one’s abilities, repairmen are idiots. The guy looked at me and actually made the assessment that I was capable of removing my refrigerator door and then installing another. Not to worry. After looking on line, the repairman told me that they don’t sell my refrigerator door anymore.

And that, dear friend, is why my ice dispenser no longer works. Just thought you’d wanna know. Like I said, it’s early in the morning. -- Y’all want some ice? Maybe later?

A more logical reason for the dreaded “three” has to do with your liver, adrenaline, and glycogen. I knew glycogen was going to be in there somewhere. I just hate that stuff.

Many researchers say that we wake up at three-ish due to stress. We’ve got stuff on our minds. -- No bat-guano, Sherlock. If there was nothing on my mind, I wouldn’t be awake. There’d be people standing around an urn laughing about what a goober I was. Each comment would be preceded by a “Bless his heart.”

    What’s that got to do with, uh, what was that stuff? Oh, glycogen. According to smart people, when you’re stressed, your adrenal glands release adrenaline -- not PEZ as many have suspected.

    For whatever reason, adrenaline causes parts of the body to use glycogen which happens to be liver food. So, when your liver can’t eat, it stresses your whole body, so your adrenal gland gives you another fix of adrenaline. The adrenaline causes the body to use more glycogen, which the liver needs to… Are you following this? I’m beginning to see the evil spirit thing as more plausible.

    A less smart person would thing that I should be taking glycogen. I’m sure you can get a huge bottle of it at Sam’s. They’ve even got krill oil. Kay got a free sample with her bottle of CQ-10. -- Krill oil? Save the whale? You can kiss my hairy fanny! -- What? I have no idea where that came from.

    So, after all that, what is the cure for the Big Three? Seems to be -- “Quit being stressed! Stop thinking about stuff at bedtime, you dolt!” -- “Worry not. Worry is the thorn of the Bicobal tree before it blooms.” (Amrem Presop, 1275)

    Oh, yeah, and don’t drink as much coffee. Unless, you don’t drink coffee, in which case you need to start. And, exercise. Unless you already do, in which case tone it down just a bit.

    Well, I hope that helped. I’m feeling just ducky about it. Think I’ll go downstairs, get a bowl of cereal and try to figure out what I’ve been worrying about for the past three decades.

End
mark@rooftopwriter.com and  www.rooftopwriter.com

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