Monday, September 8, 2014

Far out facts

“Answers for Jeopardy”

    Do you have any idea how many interesting facts I’ve squirreled away over the past few months? I don’t either, but it’s a bunch.

    When I find out about weird stuff, I like a to make a note. I like to, but too often I don’t. By the time I find some paper and a pen that writes, I generally lose my train of thought; start wondering why I needed the pen. It’s happening more and more that, uh… whatever I was talking about.

It is scary the number of fascinating facts that go unrecorded. We’re so much dumber for it, too. But, for this limited time only, I’m going to share a few of the weird things I DID record. I don’t want to write an entire article about any one of ‘em, so I’m just gonna lay ‘em all out there for you. Are you ready?

Reindeer eyes change color during the seasons. During the winter they’re blue, ‘cause there is little to no daylight near the Arctic Circle during winter. You can apparently see better in the dark, if your eyes are blue. That’s my explanation, ‘cause the narrator on PBS didn’t give me his.)

In the summer, reindeer eyes turn amber. Not brown. Amber. Amber eyes apparently cut the glare. By the way, that explains why so many reindeer get hit by cars during the summer. It’s ‘cause at night, their eyes are amber and it shields them from the approaching light. The deer-in-the-headlights metaphor applies strictly to reindeer. I can’t speak for squirrels. Who can?

Did you get the word about eating before bedtime? It used to make you fat, but it doesn’t anymore. Whoever came up with the late-night eating hoax was simply applying common sense. If you go to bed with a full stomach, your body isn’t doing enough exercise to burn off all the fuel, so it all just turns to fat. So, we thought.

    Apparently that’s not true. I don’t know why it’s not true, because, like the blue-eyed reindeer info, I didn’t catch the explanation of why eating at night doesn’t make you any fatter than eating during the daytime. No worry. I don’t need any proof. If I want to believe something bad enough, I will. And, that’s why so many political talk show hosts are so popular.

    Until recently all hurricanes were named after women, because the names were less threatening. For some reason the hurricane-naming people didn’t want to alarm anyone. Now all of that has changed. Men are now in the picture. --  “When Hurricane Hannibal finishes with the West Coast, forecasters say it will likely cross over the Rockies and head for Appalachacola, Florida , which is currently wrestling with Hurricane Rambo.” -- What’s in a name? A bunch.

    Ham is saltier when you eat it cold and beer tastes more bitter when warm. I may be the only one who didn’t know that. What I do know is that scientists have proven that people think water tastes better when they drink it out of a clear, blue glass. So, if you’re having friends over and need to get rid of a bunch of bad water, you know what to do.

    In 1300 A.D. scribes invented lowercase letters. Before that, they had no clue. It wasn’t long after that that they developed the notion of leaving gaps between words. That cut reading time in half for all six of the world’s readers. A few years later a monk came up with the idea of punctuation. I believe his name was Father Colon. All of this is supposedly fact, except for the monk’s name. It might’ve been Friar Hyphen. 

     A group of zebras is called a “zeal.” Three or more foxes is a “skulk” of fox. A mob of Kangaroos is a “mob.” If you’re swimming in the Nile and a bunch of crocodiles approach, you’d best flea the whole “bask” of ‘em. You’d be wise to do the same when approached by a “sloth” of bears.

    Fortunately, you can stay put when a “raft” of ducks approaches. But, I’d recommend you flee when threatened by a “hairnest” of bats or a “guano-load” of pigeons. I may have made up those last two.

    A person recently invented a cell phone charger that works by plugging your phone in one end and dropping the other end of the wire into a pot of boiling water. That way, when you’re camping, you can use your coffeepot to charge your phone. Can life get any better?

    Texas longhorns were brought over from Europe to the island of Hispaniola by Columbus. They’re horns were nearly as long. However, as soon as some of ‘em were shipped over to Texas, their horns sprung out ‘cause they were needed to fight off the “bloat” of hippopotami.”  Which answers the question of why there are so few hippos in Texas today.

    I’ve only got a few thousand other weird “facts,” but I’ll leave you with one that I’ve managed to debunk. -- Vodka is an excellent deodorant. Add a little lilac oil to it, and it will make your underarms smell like, uh… lilacs. -- Truth is, Vodka will not keep your underarms dry, but it will make ‘em smell like rotten potatoes. Perhaps it’s my body chemistry. You’ll have much better results. I’d give you my leftover vodka, but I’ve found it’s good for ear wax removal.

    So, you can now consider yourself so much smarter than you were just a few minutes ago. You should now apply for a slot on Jeopardy. – “’Names of things’ for 500, Alex.” – “The answer is ‘A guano-load.’”

End  and  and Facebook The Mark and Cindy Show

No comments:

Post a Comment