Saturday, January 9, 2016

new years resolutons

swap new years resolutions

    Do you happen to know how many New Year articles I’ve written? A lot. BUT, I have never done what I’m getting ready to do. This could save or destroy your marriage. If you’re dating, this could steer you toward commitment to marriage, or to singlehood. Friendships will blossom or nosedive if you follow my example, here.

    Let’s see… I’ve already forgotten what I was going to say. Oh, yeah, a plan for 2016. Did you know that 74 percent of the adults in this country make New Years resolutions? If you knew that, you know more than I do. I’d guess 62 percent, but I’ll go along with you on this.

But, with my plan, something’s got to give. You see, you’re not going to make a resolution for yourself. You’re going to make resolutions for your spouse, your significant other, or a  dear friend. And, visa versa. The dynamite is in the “visa versa.”

    When I told Kay about my idea, she said, “You’re that tired of the marriage, are you?” Not to worry. When I get something in mind, I’m like a black hole. I drag in everything around me. Just ask Virginia. On this occasion I dragged Kay into the plan.  In fact, I told her to start it off.

Kay wants me to work towards better organizing my coffee making supplies. Ouch. I’ve been brewing coffee forever, and she’s just now telling me to work on being neater. I have devoted one fourth of our cabinetry surface to my French presses, the Tupperware container holding my ground coffee, the metal canisters of  sugar and Coffee Mate. Then I have my new Keurig, K-cup carousal, paperclip box for unclogging my Keurig and my framed picture of Ward Clever. – I made up the last one.

    Some people can make their coffee in a coffeepot. I’ve evolved way past that. I’m way out there. All the while I thought Kay appreciated my mastery of coffee brewing. Now she hits me with this shovel. 

So, it was my turn. I told Kay to work towards being more deligent in checking me out before I leave the house. I am a humiliation walking. What little hair I have is forever sticking out in places it doesn’t need to be. Kay doesn’t notice stuff like that. I have to hear about it on the street. Pants unzipped, shirt buttoned wrong, rip in the armpit of my shirt, chili on the seat of my pants. Need I go on? Oh, remember the time the Courier Wine Guy, uh, Ron Saikowski, stopped me on the street and asked if my wife ever knows what I’m wearing when I leave home?

The constant berating could be prevented if Kay would take time to notice me. Perhaps she wants me to look bad so women will stay away from me. Or, maybe she thinks it’s impossible to make me look better. I had myself near tears on this one.

Kay countered with violent TV programs. She thinks I should resolve to stop watching ‘em. She says they’re bad for me. That they might make me think I’m tough enough to beat somebody up. Ridiculous. When I hear an accordion it doesn’t make me want to polka. 

I struck back by telling Kay that she needs to learn to put stuff away. Of a morning, she’ll chunk a shredded wheat bisket in her cereal bowl, and leave the box on the cabinet. I put away the shredded wheat box 172 times last year; not that I’m counting.

I don’t care if Kay is sitting next to a wastebasket, when she rips an insert out of a magazine, she’ll set it her chair or on the coffee table. I intentionally sit away from the wastebasket ‘cause I like to toss trash into the basket. Napkins, peach pits, junk mail… I’m shooting 31 percent from my recliner. At least I make an effort.

That resolution suggestion won me no points. Kay caught me off balance by telling me to resolve to dismantle the Jungle Gym. That one stung. I’ve been meaning to take that contraption down for about 15 years. I’m never up to it. I’ve had people tell me they’d like to have the wood and metal when I do finally tear it down, but they never volunteer to take it down themselves. People are so thoughtless.

Kay was way ahead after that one. So, I changed strategy and told her that this should be the year that she starts painting again. She’s had little art training, but she’s good. What’s weird, is that her first painting is my favorite. She watches that painter guy on TV. Excuse me a second. – “Kay! What’s the name of the painter guy on TV?” – She told me to ask Ron Saikowski. – Oh, here it is in my notes.  It’s Jerry Yarnell. Jerry lives in Oklahoma, so I think Kay should take lessons a little closer to home. She’s got an arty eye.

I really covered a multitude of sins with the painting resolution. Kay told me that I was sweet. Then she said she didn’t want to do anymore resolutions. I’m fairly sure she couldn’t think of another one.

The thing to note is that it could’ve been a lot worse. Here it is three hours after the resolution swap and we’re still living under the same roof. Not sure about the sleeping arrangements, though.

All in all, I’d have to call the experiment interesting. Your’s may be more so. Please make it a point to let me know the results of your resolution-swap. My e-mail address is at the bottom here. If I get much feedback, I may do a marriage-counseling article next week. That ought to make things right. -- What?


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