Good morning readers. This is Kay instead of Mark. He can’t type this week. He can’t even hold a pencil, poor thing. As he mentioned in last week’s article, he tore the tendon in his right biceps helping unload a couch. The surgery was successful in repairing three tears, but his arm is out of commission. Right now he’s in the recliner dictating his article to me. Thanks for your prayers.
Mark wants to talk about the diet we’re on, and I’ve already missed some of his intro. I’d better start listening as of now. Here goes:
Seventy-two percent of all Americans are either searching for the perfect diet, are currently on the perfect diet or they’re ditching the perfect diet, according to Avery’s averages – a name I just pulled out of the air. (Kay: He hates research.)
After years of research, Kay and I have found the perfect diet. We considered the Atkins Diet, the Caveman Diet, and the French Woman Diet. I was against the Atkins because I did it for two days once and I couldn’t hack it. I had to talk Kay out of the French Woman’s Diet because she thought we would actually move to France. And although I didn’t research the Caveman (Paleo) Diet, I assumed we would be eating stuff like raw pterodactyl tongue and triceratops kidneys. (Kay: There’s actually no such thing as a perfect diet just like there’s no such thing a the perfect handbag).
What we finally settled on is the Envelope Diet. We can eat anything that can be turned into powder and stuck in a small envelope. And get this, we even get to add water.
This is one of the most popular high protein diets, because you can lose a lot of weight fast (operative word being “can”). One thing that sold me on it is the science behind it. Do you have any idea what your pancreas does? Neither do I, but it’s pretty important…your spleen not so much. The Envelope Diet cleans out your pancreas and liver of all the stored sugars so your body will start eating your fat.
The diet is monitored weekly by a smart diet person. Before you get started you have to take off your shoes and socks and stand on a special scale that not only measures your weight, but your percentage of body fat, water, bone mass and preference to TV viewing. (Kay: Right now he’s into Beowolf)
The three major incentives on this diet are: not disappointing the weigh-in lady by gaining weight; the encouragement from friends who have been on the diet; and the fact that the cost is equivalent to a monthly car payment. We’ve sunk so much money into this diet, there’s no way I can quit now. I liken it to a land war in Asia. (Kay – How much is your health worth!)
Each week we both get to select a box of seven breakfast envelopes, a box of lunch envelopes and a box of snack envelopes. My favorite breakfast is the single pancake that is apparently made out of dust and pancake aroma. We bought a small three dollar bottle of syrup that has no calories, fat, carbs or nutrition, but has a hint of syrup flavor with the thickness of water.
There are several kinds of flavored powdered drink mixes and some of them are good. Some are quite good. For lunch, we’ve chosen soup envelopes. I recommend you lay off the tomato-basil. The others are not too bad, just really thin. Along with the envelope lunch, you have to eat two cups of select vegetables. You can’t select a baked potato or carrots or corn. Not sure about rutabagas. (Kay: The oven-roasted okra is terrific!)
For supper, you’re on your own. The only thing that’s standing between you and a feast are the restrictions, one of which is nothing can be fried, cooked in butter, dipped in butter or even smell like butter. The good thing is you can have eight ounces of lean meat. This rules out ribs, fried chicken, and pork chops. But you can have a saltless steak or a piece of chicken without skin or unmercurical fish. Add two more cups of those select vegetables and there’s your meal. (Kay: We’re having a burger in a bowl tonight – so good even without the bun.)
We also get an evening snack. And get this, it’s NOT optional. If you don’t eat your snack, the pancreatic train stops. At least that’s the way I look at it. Tonight I’m having vanilla pudding. Kay is having roasted BBQ flavored soy nuts. They’re not bad – seriously. (Kay: The soy nuts help me finish drinking the 64 ounces of water required every day)
We’ve been on the diet for three weeks. My biggest cravings have been fried chicken, BBQ pork ribs, and pumpkin pie with cheesecake on the bottom. Oh yeah, and movie pop corn. (Kay: Where’s my chocolate?)
Now, about the weight loss: At the two week mark, we both lost about ten pounds. I was so hoping for a pound a day. I’m sure it’s the age factor again. We can always fall back on the…
(Kay: I’m sure Mark has an idea for a cute ending. He’ll probably try to tie everything back to the Caveman Diet. Sounds like something he would do - but let me say that for a diet to be successful it sure helps to drag your spouse along with you. -- He’s sound asleep – we’re out of here!)