Thursday, August 11, 2016

Pokemon Go: Instructions For Dinosaurs

 “Pokemon Go: The dumbed down explanation"

    When last we left, I had requested that one of you agree to explain the nation’s current Pokemon Go craze. Kay and I were to have you appear or phone in to our “Hanging with the Hayters” Wednesday at noon show on

Well, by the time the show was ready was ready to air, I had received no response. I took that to mean that not one of you is capable of explaining the game. Either that or none of you read the article. I don’t even want to hear that kind of talk.

You want to know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that each of you wants to expand your horizons and learn about Pokemon Go. Something is going on around here and you want to make sure the Ruskies aren’t planting scary stuff in our brains. Maybe the Chinese. Probably the Chinese.

Well, this morning, I am going to give the Pokemon Go dumbed down instructions that I carefully researched. So, batten your hatches and remove all the metal out of your pockets.

Everything I know about Pokemon Go came from Kay’s computer literate nephew, Steven. Steven stayed with us the night before our show, and, while here, he worked on our computer. He didn’t fix it, but he did manage to take the metal covering off the part that holds all the brains. Having demonstrated his computer genius, I decided to drag his buns to the Lonestar Studio in downtown Conroe and made him explain “Pokemon Go” to listeners.

Unfortunately, during our live broadcast, Steven informed the entire world that he had never played the game. All he knew was what he had read on the Internet. I could’ve done that. I did do that. And I got nothing from it.

But, here’s what I learned from Steven. – The word “Pokemon” is foreign talk for “Pocket Monster.” I’m pretty it’s Japanese, because the animated creatures look like Japanese cartoon drawings. Strange creatures with poorly detailed features. Big eyes. Some look like gumdrops with big eyes and points on the top that are supposed to be ears. Or horns. Hard to tell.

The object of the game is to catch these ill-conceived creatures by sucking them up into an animated ball that appears on the screen of your Smart Phone. If you’re not sure if your cell phone is a Smart one, it’s best not ask anyone. They’ll embarrass the daylights out of you.

The popularity of the game is generated by the fact that it is meant to be played out of doors. You turn the camera part of your phone on and walk around the neighborhood or around town looking for Pokemon. The game, having been downloaded to your phone, works in conjunction with Google Maps. The screen will show you the map view of your actual location, including the direction of your walk, and the structures that are actually around you.

Occasionally, your phone will vibrate so you’ll know that a Pokemon is in the vicinity. How he got there is none of your concern. As you approach the creature, your phone screen will magically turn to a real visual of the HEB parking lot you’re in, or the pier on the lake in front of you. Suddenly a Pokemon will jump onto the screen and taunt you. That’s when you aim and touch the pokey ball key of your phone and throw it at the creature. No, I don’t know which key you press. Just remember to toss the imaginary ball and not your actual phone.

It’s moments like these that have caused accidents. One can only imagine the possible carnage if someone spotted a Pokemon on top of an overpass they were getting ready to drive under. Or on top of the fire hydrant just this side of the bike lane.

It’s one of those games where you’re urged (in the fine print) to read the fine print. – “Don’t play while driving. If you do, don’t point your car in the direction of the object on which the Pokemon is jumping. And, don’t walk into traffic while playing. And, don’t rob a bank while playing, because it gives police a clear view of where you were at the time of the robbery.” – Stuff like that.

Oh, and Pokemons are more prevalent around well-known sites in and around town. The Woodlands has ‘em all over the place. As does downtown Conroe. There were a bunch of them outside the studio while Kay and I were doing our show. I didn’t see any of ‘em, ‘cause I don’t know if my phone is a Smart Phone, nor have I tried to download the free game. Plus, when I turn on the camera of my phone, it will sap all the power in about four minutes. That’s bound to be a sign that my phone is not smart at all.

    That’s pretty much all of  Pokemon Go I care to discuss. If you have questions or arguments concerning my explanation of the game, share them with the person within hearing distance of you. 

    I do hope I’ve shed light on what billions of learned people are so excited about. It is but more evidence supporting the notion that I am completely out of step with those who know how to properly walk along the path of belonging. Japanese-animated figures are, no doubt, jumping all over that path. – Next time. --

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