What's in a nose

Hayter’s article for Oct 9, 2022

“What’s in a nose?”

        I’m going to kick off today’s article with an experiment that will require your participation. Ready? Okay, I need you to close your right nostril and take a deep breath. – No, Fred, it shouldn’t hurt. Work with me, okay?

        Those of you who were able to plug your right nostril, I need you now to do the same thing with your left and then inhale. Did you notice any difference? – Well you were supposed to. You see, during your entire life, your nostrils have been acting weird. During each breath, one nostril takes in more air than the other. The part of your schnoz that takes in more air pushes it faster to your lungs than your other nostril. After a couple of hours, they swap.

        Once in your nose, air goes through some serious testing. You don’t want just anything sneaking in. If gasoline is detected, you may need to exit the area. If it’s chocolate, you may need another cookie. Regardless, before the air hits your lungs, it has been tested for smells, filtered by nose hairs, and moistened by mucus. You can’t have a bunch of dry air hitting your lungs.

         What’s the point of all this? Your nose is the point! You may recognize that some noses are more pointy than others. Some are larger. Much larger. A few are small. And very few are just right. Why is that? Well, nose scientists think they know.

        The path of small nostrils began in the north, where the air is cold and dry. Each time you breathe in a cold, dry climate your nose has to doctor the air with more mucus, so it doesn’t chafe your lungs. That will take some time. A smaller nose will allow less cold air in. Fortunately, a small nose doesn’t happen overnight. It takes centuries to shrink a nose. Millenniums, even.

You may have noticed that some noses are poorly shaped. You know, like British royalty. That can be caused by a bad nose job or the fact that one of your ancestors married someone in their extended family.  

Some people acquired their large nostrils from ancestors who lived in areas that were warm and wet. That’s the place where noses take in a lot of air, moisture, and smells. I must’ve come from a group that lived along the equator. My nose DNA came from my Dad. The other six siblings got Mom’s nose. I loved my dad, but I wish I could’ve picked my nose. 

You ask me, the largest contributor to my nostril size is my CPAP machine. Every night, I have to insert a flexible bulb into each nostril. The thing has to completely seal every square inch around the lip of the nostril. (That didn’t sound right.) If there is the slightest air leak, you’re in deep doo. Someone in Quebec monitors my CPAP machine and comes down on me hard if I leak. Begs the question, if a guy in Canada can detect nostril leakage, what else is he checking on? 

What upsets me about all of this is the fact that I have been breathing off and on for seven decades, yet no one ever explained my nose to me. They did take time to mention the size, but nothing about how it works. No one even hinted about the right and left nostril taking turns inhaling the most air. -- By the way, if you wait around a couple of hours or more, the weak nostril will become the more powerful of the two. Something is going on every breathing moment of your life.

        I used to think that one or the other nostril was always clogged up. What else was I to think? If the nose hadn’t popped up on my computer this morning, I would’ve gone to my grave without understanding what all happens after I inhale. Which reminds me. I mentioned that some noses look just right. God does that. He just blesses some more than others. Your beautiful nose is not due to surgery. I’ve never seen a nose job that looked good. Well, Michael Jackson’s doctors did okay by him. 

        I know that surgeons have done wonders with people whose faces have non-nostril issues. They couldn’t do that during the time of Moses, but they’ve gotten good over the years. It’s a gift from God that allows surgeons to do what all they do. And, yes, I know that every doctor worked his or her rear off getting to where they are today. I’m just saying that I don’t blame God for not giving me the talent or desire to be a surgeon. Considering what He did with my nose, no one would come to me for a facelift or nose job. The first thought in their mind would be, “Doctor heal thyself.”

        By the way, right now I need each of you to do the nostril test again. Me first. – No change. I might have to call you closer to bedtime before my nostrils swap jobs. 

Had I been the one to create humans, I would’ve never thought about giving so much work to the nose. But, if I did, I would’ve let more people know about it. I could’ve died before I knew. Then where would I be? – No, Fred. I wasn’t being literal. By the way, you can remove your thumb from your right nostril.

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