Weird Science

 

Hayter for Feb 5, 2023

“You’ve gotta take your hat off to Sea Spiders”

        I’ve made no secret of the fact that I should’ve been a scientist. I generally skim news stories for movies that may have just come out, goings on in the NFL, and scientific discoveries.

        Yep, the country missed out on a pretty good scientist. The major obstacle in my way was my lousy grades in all of my high school and university science classes. Chemistry? I had to learn stupid formulas for stuff I’d never even stepped in.

        Biology? I had to dissect a worm. That doesn’t do any good to mankind? When my big brother Dennis took biology he got to dissect a cat. I never reached the level of cutting open any type of Felis Catus. 

        All of my intellectual limitations aside, I really liked science. Still do. That’s why I was so taken aback by the headline, “Sea spiders can regrow their anus.” Forget the anus part, I never knew there was any such thing as a sea spider.

Now that I know spiders are living in the depths of the ocean, I am in no way surprised that they can regrow their rear ends. The fact that they can live in the ocean, indicates to me that they can pretty much do whatever they want…except live on land.

The one thing that raised my curiosity was how scientists discovered the regrowing of body parts of oceanic arachnids. Did scientists take turns diving to the ocean floor in search of rear-less sea spiders?  “Well did you find any this time, Harold?”  --  “No, all spiders had anuses intact. And during my examination of them, some of ‘em started laughing at me. I’m not going down there again. I suggest we capture a few of ‘em and amputate the butts off of ‘em. See how they like that!

The thing is, neither one of us would’ve known any of this, had it not been for the title of the article. You see, when I’m looking for something to read, I always look at the title first. I know some of you go straight to the second sentence, but that’s not the way I work

So, I’m skimming article titles online, and nothing was doing it for me. But, this one stopped me in my seat… had I been jogging it might have stopped me in my tracks. – “Sea spiders can regrow their anus.”

That immediately caught my attention, because I thought the word “anus” when referring to the body part of several spiders would need to be pluralized. I assumed that referencing the rear ends of all Sea Spiders would require the plural of “rear end”.

I’m pretty sure many of you don’t like to see or speak the word “anus”. I’m not all that excited about it either. One of my biology professors used the word a lot. And, let’s face it, I was almost a scientist myself.

It turns out that I thought the article boring. It involved a bunch of scientific terms that turned me off.  But, I was interested enough to find out what other animals can regrow body parts. I already knew that lizards could. But, didn’t know for sure if all lizards could. – Some can, some can’t.

Earthworms? Don’t get me started. If push came to shove, an earthworm could turn its anus into a head. For whatever reason, God gave the earthworm some serious leverage.

An alligator can regrow part of its tail. The skin and cartilage, but not a whole tail. And especially not a hotel. The problem is, alligators can’t regrow tail bones. Few of us, can. Without bones in its tail, an alligator would be laughed out of the swamp.

But, if you want to know the most adaptive creature on the planet -- it’s the salamander. Those things can regrow a leg, tail, skin… even their tongue, assuming they have one. They can even change skin color to the color and shade of whatever object they’re sprawled out on. Now, that’s a magical creature.

Kind of like cats. I imagine a cat can do the same thing. I’ve never studied felines much because I didn’t want to. So, I’m not sure of their limitations. But, I will fight and die for your right to not only read about cats, but own one. However, even if cats can regrow their tails, I’ll bet they can’t do it while living at the bottom of the ocean like sea spiders.

Before you leave, let me give you the topic of my next science-related article. -- “Scientists say the universe is hotter than it should be.” That title obviously brings up more questions than Sea Spider bottoms.

As of right now, the farthest galaxies we’ve been able to detect with the Hubble telescope are 13 billion light years away. With our new “James Webb Telescope we’ll likely be able to see more than twice that distance. How much further does the universe go? Forever?

Yet, scientists have the audacity to tell us that the “Universe” is too warm. I guarantee you that more parts of the universe are getting colder than hotter. I’ll explain it to you the next time I’m really digging for something to write about.

Hey, I’ve read a lot about space and have seen a bunch of movies about it. In fact, I should’ve been an astronomer. And, I would’ve been, but the math was way over my head.

end

hayter.mark@gmail.com

Hospital waiting room

 

Hayter for January 29, 2023

“A waiting room experience”

            I didn’t intend to start our visit until later this afternoon, but I needed something to do while waiting on Kay. She’s having cataract surgery. I should know which eyeball it is, but I’m a man. Men’s brains don’t store things well.

            I do know that Kay’s eye that there messing with, is the one without astigmatism. They’ll do that eye on our next visit. When I asked Kay about her bad eye, she said she had interocular astigmatism. I said, “Oh, yeah, that one.”

            You may know this, but when you age, stuff starts happening to you. Women seem to catch on to what’s happening to them. Men? Well, I can’t speak for all of them, but I generally wait until Kay tells me I need to see a doctor. I think that’s why there are so many widows.

            The nurse took Kay away about an hour ago, leaving me in this nice waiting room. It’s a large area broken up by alcoves and furniture that’s well placed so you don’t have somebody staring right at you from four feet away.

            I wish you’d listen to the lady at the registration desk? That woman has the most pleasant disposition of anyone who ever worked at the entrance of any hospital. She’s fielded questions of every nature. Most people were kind, but some were quite upset. It would be very difficult for even an angry person to blow their stack in front of that lady. If it happened in front of me, the guy would end up having to remove his foot from my rear, because I would confront him.

            The lady talking on her cell over there by the couch is not quite as considerate. She’s had her phone on speaker since the moment I arrived. She has addressed several home and business problems since I’ve been here. 

            She’s been walking around and talking up a storm. She is yet to enter my space which is good because I can easily become the son of my father. Dad didn’t suffer rude people well. The lady talks so loud you’d think she was in a bus terminal. – I’m guessing bus terminals are loud.

            Now that I’ve got you upset with the lady, I’m already over it. I’ve been reading up on how to lose your anger by transferring it. All you do is zone out.  I’ll bet I’m hard for you to see right now.

            Since I’m over that inconsiderate nabob, I’ve gotta tell you about the coffee machine. It is the best I’ve ever used. Look across the room, just past the inconsiderate loud lady. See the dark-coffee-colored contraption that’s the shape of a tall two-door refrigerator? It’s a coffee machine.

            When I showed up I only saw one guy using it. I think he’s the only one who knew what it was. There’s no sign or bright light to entice you. There are just two little trays in the middle

and a small, dim light close by. I eventually got up enough nerve to go visit it. I wasn’t sure what I was looking at. I did find some cups and set one on a tray.

            Then I pushed the dim light and Hoochie Mama! There were at least 10 lit rectangles with pictures displaying different coffee-like drinks. Only one of them was labeled “coffee”. Among the others were cappuccino, latte, espresso, frappuccino, and a lot of other names that end in “o”. 

            I pushed the latte button and waited. Nothing. About that time, God sent over an old man who grabbed a cup and stood next to me. “Do you know what you’re doing?” That guy took me through the entire procedure. After he showed me, it was easy. Of course, I’m a fast learner. – Beg pardon?

            “Mark! Mark Hayter!”

            Whoa, that’s gotta be for me. Wait here and I’ll--. “Mr. Hayter, would you like to come back and visit your wife?”

            That woman must be the sister of the walking, talking cell phone lady. Look, y’all go grab that nice guy in the chair yonder and drag him to the coffee machine. He’ll show you how it’s done. I’ll be back in a bit. – An hour or so later.

            I’m sorry I left you hanging. I went ahead and got the car and drove Kay home. I hope you liked the coffee. Wasn’t that man nice? I believe there are many more kind people in the world than mean and inconsiderate people. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

What? Oh, I meant to tell you. Kay’s doing fine. I won’t make you show up during her interocular astigmatism procedure. Me? I’m eager to revisit the coffee machine.

end

hayter.mark@gmail.com

A Time to Every Season

 

Hayter for January 22, 2023

“After the pain went away, I saw the light.”

          I’m not a fan of pain. Oh, there have been times when I wished I was too sick to go to school, work, or church. I don’t need excuses for the first two of those anymore, but I can still conger up dread on a Sunday morning.

I must assume that there are preachers who, on occasion, wish they were too sick to go to church. It doesn’t mean they’re going to hell in a basket. It means that most of them are human.

But, let’s get away from church. I mean the topic of church. If you’re in church now, stay there. And, if you are there now, what the sam hill are you doing reading the newspaper? Mom would pinch my leg so hard!

But, forget Mom and forget church if you can. It’s “pain” that caused this article to happen. For the last two weeks, I’ve had some barbed, calcified, stones in my kidneys trying to exit through too-narrow an opening. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to me, because it’s happened several times in the past and, given time, will happen again.

          My recent bout with kidney stones caused me to think about the lyrics to Pete Seeger's song “Turn, Turn, Turn”, a song made popular by the Byrds. While Seeger wrote the tune, he borrowed the lyrics from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, a book credited to Solomon. I thought Solomon showed kindness in not suing Seeger for borrowing his lyrics without permission.

          Chapter three starts with the words “To everything, there is a season and time for every purpose under heaven.”  The rest of the book is depressing as all get-out. A good friend of mine, John Meridith, told me that it is his favorite book in the Bible.

John was a hippy back in the day, so I thought perhaps he was still influenced by his experiences in college. How could he find appreciation in the writings of the wisest man on the planet, a person who wrote things like, “For I hated life, for the work which had been done under the sun was distressing to me, for everything is futility and striving after wind.” -- Try to dance to that tune.

It was my most recent ‘stint” with constant pain, that caused me to recall the thoughts of the supposed wisest, richest person in the world. The thought of Solomon has never crossed my mind while in pain. But, this morning? This morning, my pain was gone, and I sensed only the good things in life. I knew that Kay really loves me because she did all she could to make things easier for me… except for letting me swallow my entire bottle of pain pills

In Ecclesiastes, Solomon confessed that, though he had been the richest and most respected person in the world, a person with 1000-plus women at his beck and call, a person with the greatest chefs, the most beautiful palaces, and people lined up to listen to whatever he had to say.

Yet no matter how much he may have wished to stay, Solomon left the building and, he said, that “his spirit returned to God, Who gave it to him. Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!”

That’s one whale of a message to leave behind. What are we supposed to do with that? Solomon didn’t give any specific suggestions. He merely stated what he considered to be a fact of life. Well, this morning, what his “fact” did was cause me to think about two particular friends of mine.

Tracy Cross, Kay’s younger brother, was born with what is known as brittle bone disease. At the age of one, the kid broke his leg by sitting down on his dad’s foot. Over the years, he went from a wheelchair to a walker, to another wheelchair. There is no telling how many times the guy went to sleep in tears.

I wrote an article about him recently. The kid had the greatest sense of humor of anyone I’ve ever known. He was a lead guitarist in several bands. He was kind, well-loved, and caring.

A couple of years back, he died at the age of 68, as a result of COVID. He was God’s gift to so many. I loved him dearly and miss him a bunch. And Kay is still participating in grief share classes as a result of his passing. In a couple of generations, Tracy will be forgotten. But, I believe that God’s purpose for him continues in the lives of friends and relatives who were indirectly guided by his example.

The second person, I choose to mention is John Meredith, my friend who, unbeknownst to him, got me to thinking about Ecclesiastes early this morning. John interpreted one of the last verses in chapter three of the book, in a way that I never grasped until now. Solomon wrote “I have seen that there is nothing better than for a person to enjoy his activities (in life) because that is his reward. For who can enable him to see what will happen after he dies?”

The activity my friend apparently enjoys most in life, is getting involved in helping people. He is the kindest, most active, most benevolent person I know. He’s been recognized in local newspapers throughout the county.

Pete Seeger started “Turn, Turn, Turn, off with the first verse of chapter three. -- “To everything, there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven…”

John read, what I considered to be one of the most depressing books in the bible, and came to the conclusion that one of his purposes in life was to help others. Without a doubt, I am continually blessed by the inspiration that both of them continue to provide to me.

end