Monday, February 28, 2011

“Grab a hankie.”

Do you have any friends who never tell you the truth about how they’re feeling? “Oh, just great. Couldn’t be better.” All the while their gallbladder is like a bag of marbles. Do you have any friends like that?

I have one or two. They may be having a kidney removed at this very moment, and I wouldn’t know. Some friends, huh?

I would never do that to anybody. If you call me and ask how I’m doin’, I’m going to tell you if sick. May even tell you I am when I’m not. Just depends.

I don’t know how many times I’ve picked up the phone and heard, “Hey, Mark, how you doin’?” I’ll say I’m fine. Next thing I know I’m being asked to haul a hide-a-bed to the dump. – “Oh, I didn’t mean to say I’m ‘fine.’ I meant say that I’m not fine.” Yeah, right.

When someone asks “How ya doin’?” you really need to take pause. I have a couple of acquaintances who have never called what I wasn’t feeling poorly. Just as weird as it can be.

Right now, I don’t even have to feign sickness. I’m there. I’ve been embracing it for the last four days. Today is the first day that I’ve been able to grin. See? I think that’s a good sign. Kay’s not sure.

I haven’t been out of the house since I got whatever I got. From my bald spot to the base of my neck, is a bodily region that is in bad shape. I take antihistamines sometimes and other times I take decongestants. One clogs you and the other is supposed to drain you. There’s about a 30-minute gap between medications where you might catch me in one of those grins.

The most affective medication has proved to be something called “Mucus Relief.” I don’t think it’s brand name, but it says Mucus in big letters right there on the bottle. The label maker is as callous as whoever invented those green creatures on the commercial. Somebody thought that creating snot creatures would make us want to buy whatever they’re selling. I’ve never see the commercial all the way through, so I don’t really know which drug they’re hyping. I don’t pay Dish to show me mucus dancing around.

There is only one medication that has no side effects. It’s called “Placebo.” Everything else will mess with you. My body is so pure that anytime I introduce a medication to my system it becomes a stupid pill and/or an hallucinogen. Oh, and it will constipate me. I don’t care what it is it’ll do the big C on me.

This morning Kay got pretty fed up with me being sick. Tired of seeing me walk around, groan and swat at things. So, she suggested we get out of the house. Made me a deal, even. She said that if I’d go to Home Depot with her to get some mulch, she’d buy me a Breakfast on a Bun at Whataburger. I like a Bacon Breakfast on a Bun. It’s the best breakfast sandwich in the U.S. and Estonia.

I also like Whataburger because they’re nice to the old and the nearly old. I’m pretty close to being nearly old. So, close that when I ordered our Breakfast on a couple of buns, Carol asked if she could give me the senior discount. I asked how old I had to be and she asked how old I was. Took me about 20 seconds to guess right. It’s the drugs. Mostly.

So, our breakfast went from $8.83 down to $6.20. You can’t beat a deal like that. Plus they play the best music at Whataburger. Buddy Holly, Peter and Gordon, Del Shannon… It’s the best, Jerry! Oh, and did I mention that Carol was sweet?

There is no picture anywhere
of the Bacon Brk on a bun.
Here's the sausage.

After breakfast, which I ended up paying for, we went to Home Depot. While Kay was studying mulch, I went shopping for some Minwax Wood Hardener. Johnnie Chuoke, the Happy Handyman, said it would save rotten wood. He know stuff. I hope.

When I was checking out at the self-checking place, a clerk walked up and asked for my driver’s license. I handed it to her and she walked to her cash register and typed in stuff. I didn’t ask why, because nothing was making a great deal of sense to me.

Right after I loaded Kay’s mulch, I told her about the driver’s license check. She suggested that I find out why I was carded. So, I went back and stuck my head inside the manager’s office and startled this lady. She was apparently not used to customers being in the non-store part of the store.

When I asked her about the driver’s license thing, she told me that I either bought something I could make a bomb out of or something I could inhale. She studied me pretty hard after mentioning inhalation.

I said, “What? Minwax.” She nodded. I stood there awhile and mumbled some stuff. I have no idea. She waved me out with her head.

When we got home, Kay started working outside with the mulch. I came up here to tell you about being sick. I’m sick. Too sick to help Kay with the mulching. I tried to explain that to her, but she just waved me off with her head. I’ve been getting that a lot.

I had a weird day, haven’t I? I not only got a senior discount on my breakfast, but I also got carded at Home Depot to make sure I’m old enough to buy Minwax.

Right now it’s time for me to take another pill from the Mucus bottle. It’s been six hours since my last one and I can take one every four hours. So, I’m gonna leave you now and, uh, go take something. Next time, I’ll feel so much better. Unless you’re thinking of using me to move stuff. I won’t be 100 percent for a long time. For two people I know it’ll be like forever.

To see Mark and Brad's review of Sticky Ribs BBQ click here: Sticky Ribs

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