Friday, February 20, 2015

Low Maintenance

The Good Husband

            I read Dear Abby more than I care to admit. The thing that draws me to her column is the discovery of how naïve people can be when in a relationship. Naivete bordering on stupid.

Last week, Abby got a letter from a lady who said her live-in boyfriend drank a lot every day. Mostly been and whiskey. The man drank a lot, but could really hold his liquor, however it bothered her that he might be an alcoholic. She said that while he doesn’t appear to be drunk, he’s bad tempered when he drinks. Regardless, Torn in North Carolina” doesn’t want to lose her boyfriend. She asked Abby whether or not she should marry the guy.

I believe we’re all of the same mind here. “Torn” is going to marry this jerk no matter what Abby advises. It’s so sad, but it happens in the lives of so many who apparently think they can change a person once they marry ‘em.

Fortunately Kay never had that problem with me. Quite the contrary. Her goal has always been to keep me on my path of low maintenance. I don’t require a lot in life. You give me a coffeepot, a toilet that flushes and a DVR, and I’m good for a whole day. That’s low maintenance.

I don’t play golf. Golf is expensive and it takes a lot out of a day. That takes away from your low maintenance score. I used to play golf, but I tired of the embarrassment. During my last game with my brothers, my first shot off the Tee bounced twice in the parking lot narrowly missing a Volvo 960 Wagon, a white Ford 150, and a poor Coca Cola delivery guy balancing a two-wheel dolly of Sprite. We had to let the foursome behind us play through so Larry, Dennis and Big Al could have time to finish their laugh. Hey, I even got tickled.

That was my last golf outing. My clubs were never used again… largely because Kay sold them in a garage sale. I think they went for twenty bucks. She could’ve gotten more had she tossed the clubs and sold the watch that I left in the bag.

It’s really a blessing that I’m a lousy golfer. Golf is a sport of gentlemen of means. I don’t have means. In fact, I don’t even have the clubs. Are you following me?

It’s the same way with boating. Boats are nonsensically expensive for a retired high school teacher/columnist. Any boat I could afford would require a short-handled paddle with an attached bailing bucket.

Another thing about boats is the fact that you have to haul them. I’d rather push a boat trailer than drag one. Trailers obey Newton’s Law of Linked Objects. – “The steering of a trailing object is equal in force and opposite in direction of the managing object.”  Newton didn’t even understand it.

 If I were trying to launch a boat from a boat ramp, I’d have to drive head on into the water and then get out and manually turn my floating car toward the ramp. I don’t back well.

That’s pretty much why Kay and I don’t boat or camp. I don’t like to camp unless I’m indoors. I need a shower and toilet and a side-table for my CPAP machine. In other words, a camping trailer, or a motor home. Problem is, a motor home is too big for me to drive without screaming at each approaching curve. And, the trailer? See “Newton’s Law of Trailing Objects.”

            Any person who doesn’t golf, boat or haul a house for camping is a winner in the “Low Maintenance Game”… available now from Mattel.

The three major factors in high maintenance are cost, time and effort. I can’t enjoy something that costs me a lot. I get nauseated after eating an expensive meal. It wouldn’t me nearly as bad were you to pay for the meal, but it’d still hurt.

I don’t enjoy drinking because I hate both the taste and the cost. A beer in some bars cost as much as a Starbucks Grande Frappuccino. And, some people buy more than just one beer while they’re in bar. Just ask Torn in North Carolina.

I don’t like to fish, ‘cause I’m afraid I’ll catch a fish and have to clean it. I don’t even like to bait a hook. Fortunately, the rubber worms don’t scream nearly as loud as the real ones or as loud as one of those minnows. Can you imagine how bad it would be if bait could actually feel pain?  

No, I do very little outdoor activity. I don’t play outdoor or indoor games. They cut into my naptime. I’m low cost, low energy and always around when needed. I’m a good catch. Take my word for it. Seriously, take my word for it. Don’t ask Kay.


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