Sunday, March 1, 2015

Rooftop observations

“On the roof with a bunch of cuties”

ROOFTOP – I don’t want to start a riot up here, but I would like you each to take a Cutie out of the box and then pass the box to the person next to you. Can you do that for me?

No, no, don’t stand up to do. You’ll get dizzy and fall and land in the hedge down below. Just stay seated, take a Cutie and pass the box. Don’t make me raise my voice! -- I’m sorry. You’d think I never gave you anything!

Normally I’d have you pass around the thermos of coffee, but I’m drinking less and less of that stuff. I still brew the same amount I always did, but I forget to drink it. That’s ‘cause I’ve gotten to where I can take it or leave it. I think if I had a milk frother, I might better remember to drink all my coffee. (My computer tells that “frother” is misspelled. It says I can use “frothier” or “frothed” but not “frother.” (Spellcheckers aren’t the boss of me. The editor? Yes, she’s a boss.)

Anyway, forget the coffee, we’re getting Cuties tonight. What? – Oh, they’re a type of mandarin orange. Tiny things, easy to peel, sweet as all get out, and seedless. Someone considers them cute.

Anything that’s seedless is preferable to something that’s seeded. That’s because we’re Americans and we don’t have the energy or time to wrestle with seeds. Watermelon, prunes, grapes… we don’t want em with seeds. Miss Manners hasn’t even invented the proper method of spitting seeds. That woman is many things, but she is one lousy spitter. At least that’s what I read.

By the way, there is another type of mandarin orange that is just as cute as a Cutie. It’s called a Halo. I prefer Cuties to Halos. It’s a bias that defies logic

Beg pardon? Oh, the Cutie peelings? Just toss ‘em off the roof. They’ll probably land in the hedge or the flowerbed. I’m doing a study to determine the rot rate of an orange peel. Those things take a good while to decay. Not as long as a bowling pin, but close. Banana peels, apple peels, the skin on grapes? They’re gone in a week. Orange peels turn to a crusted leather. No one understands how or why.

But enough of science. Let’s just take advantage of this clear, slightly cool night. One reason the stars are so well illuminated tonight is ‘cause the moon is on the other side of the world. How does that happen? How can the moon show up at both daytime and a nighttime? And why isn’t more written about that? I really hate that Mayans and Celts who lived 1000 years ago, understood the moon better than I do. They didn’t know moon pies from duck droppings, but they sure knew the positioning of the moon.

Whoa! Red alert! Everyone, look straight up. Not too fast, or you’ll get dizzy and go over backwards. Slowly, lean back and look at that red dot? That’s Mars. I can tell because it’s the Red Planet. Get it? It’s about as red as, uh, that other red dot about two feet away to the right.

What’s happening? There is more than one Mars tonight. There are two Marses. Which explains why auto makers have yet to name a car after the Red Planet. No one knows how to spell the plural of the name.  – “Hey, Sparky, a shipment of four door Marses just arrived.” – How on earth are you supposed to react to something like that?

Speaking of autos, I don’t know if you’re aware, but auto makers are struggling to come up with exciting names for new models. The big problem has to do with making sure the name they come up with doesn't have a hidden meaning in a foreign language.
The Mazda LaPuta: One of the words for Prostitute in Spanish. 

Few people know that in Belarus the name “Buick Verano” translates into “Tadpole Snot.” Yet, sales are still skyrocketing. The Chinese are getting ready to reveal a two-door hatchback they’re calling Light Uranus. I’ve got no problem with the name, but I’m sure someone is going to read something into it. Too many people are so easily offended.

What got this started? Oh, right. Mars. Let’s keep looking skyward. Look to the east. No, over there. To your left! Look to your left! -- Sorry. I’m just trying to tell you that the bright star up there is Venus. You knew that. It’s the Evening Star. And, yes, it is a planet, not a star. No, I don’t know why they don’t call it the Evening Planet.

The real question I’d like answered is why there are no animal sounds tonight. It’s relatively warm up here, yet, no bird sounds, or bat flapping or chupacabra snarling. When the chupacabras don’t want to venture out, you know something’s afoot.

And, that’s pretty much where we need to be -- a foot. It’s getting late. Everyone rise slowly so as not to get too dizzy and fall shrubward. – Yes, “shrubward” is a word. It’s the name of a minivan made in Poland. I’m pretty sure.


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