Friday, August 10, 2018

Doctor Visit


“The Dread List”

            Some people keep a bucket list. I keep a dread list. The good thing about a dread list is the fact that I don’t need to write anything down. Dread tends to linger.

            For example, no one has ever needed to remind me to get my car inspected. July is the month we celebrate our Nation’s birth. It’s also the month I have to get my car inspected. August is the month of Kay’s birthday, but it’s also the month I have to get her car inspected. I love Kay to pieces, but at times I wish I had found a girl who really enjoyed changing the oil and getting the car inspected. I would’ve overlooked a lot of quirky behavior for just such a girl.

            I thought when we bought our new home I wouldn’t have to worry about checking on things, because everything was new. Today, I received a list from the mortgage company with 17 things I’m supposed to inspect during the summer. Most of the stuff on the list I never did for the 23 years we lived in the old house; among which is  to clean or replace my microwave filter. I didn’t even know microwaves had filters.

            But, forget the house inspection list. One of my biggest dreads has to do with my semi-annual checkup with the doctor. It rates right up there with having to attend a graduation. The doc used to schedule yearly appointments. He’d give me a year’s worth of refills on my meds. Now, he only prescribes six months worth. If they were refillable for a lifetime, the only time I’d return to the doctor would be when I was strapped to a gurney.

            The reason I’m spouting off about all of this is because yesterday morning I had to go to my doctor for a checkup. He found nothing wrong with me. Hey, I was as surprised as you. Truth is, while he didn’t mention anything that was good about me, he didn’t share anything that was wrong. If he had called Kay, I’m sure she would’ve set him straight.

            Speaking of the Little Lotus blossom, Kay gave me a list of things I was supposed to bring to the doctor’s attention. It was either that or she was going to sit in on my physical. Kay’s main concern about me has to do my gallbladder. Last week, I had an odd episode in the middle of the night. I got out of bed at my usual hour to pee when I got all dizzy and nauseated. I wasn’t too worried because I never throw up. I can get nauseated with the best of ‘em, but I never deliver. Well, on this particular night -- I delivered.

            Kay took a look at my output and said I could quite possibly have gallstones. She remembered all of her symptoms, and noticed some similarities to my 3:30 a.m. experience.  

            When I mentioned the episode to my doctor and asked if he thought I might have gallstones, he told me it sounded more like I caught a bug. I liked his answer a lot more than Kay’s supposition. I actually thought my temporary illness had to do with the Keto Diet that I’ve been on for a couple of months. It’s like the Atkins Diet, only spelled different. Both diets allow you to eat only a few selected vegetables -- no bread, or anything that could be defined as “dessert.” Soda pops, sweetened tea, sugar in your coffee… forget about it.

             Somebody told me the way it works has to do with the fact that our bodies will eat fat if fat is the only thing we’re eating. Before the diet, my body would store my animal fat for emergencies, like if I get trapped in the closet for three months. So my body stores fat, but eats carbohydrates in stuff like potatoes, corn and ice cream. Any overage is stored with the meat fat. Bottom line, our bodies are hoarders. They don’t realize that they’re housing more fat than we’ll ever need.

            On the Adkins/Keto diet, your main intake is meat, eggs, cheese and nuts. Of course, I didn’t read up on the diet. I thought it best to just jump on the thing before scientists figured out it kills gerbils. When I explained to the doc that my diet was likely responsible for me throwing up bile, as a result of my intestines rebelling against a no-dessert policy, he stuck with his bug theory.

            He asked me a bunch of questions, too. -- When am I supposed to have my next colonoscopy? When was the last time I had a tetanus shot? -- How do you answer something like that? -- I usually just make up stuff. “Colonoscopy?  That was recent. Tetanus shot? Day before yesterday. Doc, what’s that for anyway? I’ve never heard anyone say, ‘Well, my husband is in bed with tetanus.”

            The doctor never looked up from his computer screen. He told me that I had a colonoscopy three years ago and would need another in two years. He had no record of a tetanus shot, so he had the nurse give me one. My arm bothered me all night.

            The good news is, I won’t have to go back to the doctor until after Christmas. Between now and then I will be more focused on the doctor visit than the Holiday Season.
end

Mark can be contacted at hayter.mark@gmail.com.

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