“Avengers Get Raked”
I took a short survey last week
to see how many people could remember the last movie they went to see. When I
asked Big Al, he said, “The War Wagon.” My kid brother was 11 when the movie
came out, so I took his answer to be sarcasm. Al is the bi-lingual brother.
Jill had
trouble remembering the last movie she saw because she goes to the movie a lot.
She has one of those $10 a month cards that allows her to see all the movies
she wants. Jill goes to the movies no less than eight times a month, for a
savings around $60. Her visits to the concession stand cost her about $267.
More or less.
My
survey ended with Jill, because she started telling everybody about one of her
favorite movies of the year– “Avengers: Infinity War.” Jill said it had some
funny parts and a lot of action. She said she wants to see it again. I
swallowed Jill’s movie review like a fist full of popcorn.
The day
after Jill’s review, suggested Kay and I take my niece and nephew, Rhonda and
Curt, to Market Street, The Woodlands to see the Avengers. Unbeknownst to me,
the Market Street theatre has been revamped with those big lounge chairs with
enough leg-room to make it impossible to trip the people trying to get by.
I
believe it was Archimedes who proved that bigger seats and more leg-room lessen
the number of sitting places available in a room. With fewer places to sit,
theatres have turned to a system whereby seats can be reserved on-line. I knew
something like this was going to happen, I just hoped I would be dead when it
did. I can’t win for losing.
Not to
worry, I figured out how to pick out seats from a chart and pay for ‘em on
line. It took several tries to get it right, so I ended up getting eight
tickets instead of four. Several minutes later, I learned how to cancel four of
eight tickets, proving that the program is geared for the technologically
challenged.
So, we
were off to the movie where I presented a kid a weird coded square that I had
printed off from the theatre’s website. I paid for Rhonda and Curt’s tickets
because they didn’t care enough to see the movie to get the tickets themselves.
Once at the theatre, I refused to buy their popcorn and drinks. I’m wise as an
ostrich.
In the
remaining time we have together, I’m going give you my review of “Avengers:
Infinity War.” Let me begin by saying that superhero stories are much easier to
write than other action dramas, because you can kill off characters, blow up
planets, turn the good guy into a blood thirsty monster, and then come up with
a magic rock, ring or rhyme that will turn everything back to the way it was.
That being said, the writer(s) of the Avengers screenplay took me beyond my
ability to give a hoot.
Which
brings me to a SPOILER ALERT! If you have not seen the movie, and you don’t
want to know the ending, skip down till you see a sentence at the end of a
paragraph that reads “...half of all life in the universe turns to ashes.” Pick
up reading at the next paragraph. I’ll give you a few seconds to bail. – Okay,
I’m assuming the rest of you have either seen the movie or don’t intend to. So,
let’s cut to the quick.
Am I
right in thinking that the villain, Josh Brolin -- I mean Thanos -- wants to
destroy half of the life in the universe because he doesn’t think there are
enough resources to maintain all of the “beings” in the universe? Was that his
reason for going all ballistic?
I may be
wrong here, because I missed some of the talking scenes. When I see 20 minutes
of non-stop action followed by five minutes of dialog, I tend to nap. Kay had
to wake me up three times during the talking scenes. I think she would’ve
graciously let me sleep had I not been snoring.
I may be
over thinking this, but when Thorax, I mean Thanos, kills off half of the
Avengers and half of all life in the universe, that makes everything that
happened before that, moot. And that,
my friend, makes for the worst ending of any movie I’ve ever seen. And, I saw
“No Country for Old Men!”
Not to fear, in “Infinity War II”
everything is going to be made right by some magic rock, ring or rhyme. Or
perhaps Superman will visit from DC Comics and turn back time by making all of
the galaxies in the universe turn in the opposite direction so Thor can go back
and hit Thorax in the face instead of the chest with his magic axe.
It matters not to me, because, unless
my sense of reality leaves and fails to return, I’ll not be watching Infinity
II. I’d come closer to watching “Titanic II: The Infinity Ship.”
end
You can purchase Mark's new e-book -- "The Summer of 1976" at Amazon Books. Only $2.99! I'm not kidding!
Mark can be contacted at hayter.mark@gmail.com.
An archive of Hayter’s articles can be found at http://markhayterscolumn.blogspot.com
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