Hayter
article for March 15, 2020
“A
box too far”
I just finished a conversation
with Jill, and she gave me a view into the not too distant future. She didn’t
intend the story as an omen of anything, but I am good at omenizing stuff.
There was an incident last week at a
Walmart near Jill’s house in LaPorte. Similar occurrences should not arrive
here for a couple of weeks or so. It occurred on the toilet paper aisle. A
crowd had gathered, which was odd because there was no toilet paper on the
shelves. By nature, customers gather on the aisles where there IS stuff.
However, this was a gathering where
people felt a need to channel their anger. Retailers are allowed to run out of raisins,
cottage cheese, and self-rising biscuits, but don’t mess with our toilet paper!
I’ve been hoping never to see such a horror. But it’s coming. Coming to a store
near you.
Hopefully, when the scarcity hits us,
we’ll handle it so much better than the people near Jill’s town. The Walmart manager
wisely had the store personnel leave the vicinity. Anyone with a blue shirt and
yellow tag would’ve been… well, I don’t want to think about what might’ve
happened to them. It’s always the employee’s fault. The one who is given the
responsibility of maintaining supplies.
After venting, the crowd thinned out
until there were only two ladies on the aisle and one spying from a distance. Jill
was one of the two ladies on the aisle. Being from the Hayter Clan, my little
sister, studied the area carefully and noticed a lone box high on a shelf.
Could it be full of toilet paper? Nothing had been right for Jill the entire
day, so she doubted it. Regardless, she coerced the second lady to help her
bring down the box. Had it been sweet pickle relish, they likely would not have
tried.
I don’t know how Jill and the other
short lady managed it, but they brought down the box. Since Walmart has cameras
all over the place, the venture will likely show up on YouTube. The box held
four wrapped packages containing 16 rolls of toilet paper each. It was off-brand,
but who cares? I would’ve. With my keen sense of discernment, I would imagine
that there may have been other stores with toilet paper ON their shelves. This
isn’t Cold War Russia.
Jill and lady the other shelf
climber didn’t have time to high-five before the spy lady attacked. It was like
a scene from “The Walking Dead.” Unbeknownst to Jill, the spy lady had four
kids with her. That woman grabbed for the box, while two of the kids tried to
climb in. By the time it was over, Jill and her side-kick each ended up a torn
package of 16 rolls of TP. The walking dead lady took off with a box containing
32 rolls of the off-brand toilet paper. In defense, the mother only did what
was necessary to save her kids from being, uh… dragged to another store.
This is all related to the elephant
in your drawers. We’ve all heard way too much about the pandemic that has hit
us. It’s been coming for awhile, yet, I haven’t found time to look up the
definition of “pandemic.” -- Give me a second. -- Ah, “pandemic” is a disease
that spreads rapidly over the entire globe. An “epidemic” is the same thing,
only more localized. I would’ve named it “bigdemic.”
I have every confidence that Kay and
I will end up with CD1492. Just a second. -- COVID-19. I get ‘em mixed up. -- However, we’ll survive the sickness, because
of our upbringing. Kay and I both lived at a time when kids were tossed outside
to play in the mud, run around barefoot, eat dirt, and wash our hands only
before going to church. We’ve grown so many antibodies in our system that
anything weird that hits us is automatically attacked by some vicious stuff. At
least, that’s what I’ve been told. I readily accept hopeful notions.
Yes, what happens will happen. Most
of us think too much is being made of it, but it’ll keep coming and it may in
time cause factories and Sam’s and Cosco and, heaven forbid, Walmart
temporarily close down. The thing we too often ignore is all the people who are
working when we’re not. The cook in the café, waitress, car mechanic, store clerk,
delivery workers, flight attendants, bus drivers… In time, there will likely be
a shortage of products due to fewer imports from Italy and Japan, and a smaller
labor force.
That’s when the fights break out in
the stores. Americans, by nature, do not handle waiting in line as well as the
Ruskies did, largely because we never had to fear being shot for stepping out
of line.
Perhaps most stores will resort to pickup
or delivery orders only. I’ve been hearing good things about that. I’m not
there yet. I like to feel of my bread, smell my shoulder roast, de-leaf my
cabbage. That and the fact that I seldom know what I want until I enter the store.
I just didn’t see the grocery
pick-up phenomena coming. The same with pumpkin spice coffee and thousands of
acres of wind-powered electric generators. It’s an interesting time to be
alive. I’m sure all of the times throughout history have been interesting for
the ones who didn’t know better.
I’ve been applying a bit of humor to
this serious situation because at the moment, I see the humor in some of it. My
hope is that I will never find myself in a position where I’m in Sam’s wrestling
someone over the last jar of peanut filled pretzels. That’s my new snack of
choice. As far as toilet paper goes? I would never fight over a package of
no-name brand toilet tissue. But you
might ask me in another month.
end
hayter.mark@gmail.com
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